Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Of course, it was nice to spend time with family, giving thanks and celebrating Christ. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas had moments of joy, of happiness. But during both moments of celebration, I felt feelings of jealousy and resentment. Anger and pain.
For Thanksgiving, my husband and I did most of the cooking. He made two turkeys and I made mashed potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes (which were a HUGE hit!), green bean casserole, 2 pies of dessert.... and more. We spent all day cooking and we were glad to do it. Many of the family thanked us and acknowledged our hard work.
But the most important part of the day, the blessing right before the meal, my husband's father thought it was appropriate to thank my SIL's husband for making him a grandfather and allowed him to ask the blessing, instead of my husband. Asking the blessing is kind of a big deal in a room packed full of strong Christians. We all saw clearly where his priorities are.
Then at Christmas, there were actually presents under the tree for the unborn baby that my SIL and her husband were told to open by proxy. I actually had to step outside to stop myself from hyperventilating.
I guess this wouldn't be so hard, if it wasn't so clear that my SIL felt that this baby has ended her life. She doesn't talk about the baby at all. She only points out how her life plans have been grinded to a halt. The baby is never referred to affectionately. It's "the kid." I'm actually concerned she's a prime candidate for postpartum depression.
So yeah, all those family get-togethers were hard to get through. And we have one more. Friday, we are all (close to 30 ppl) having lunch to celebrate 2 birthdays and the New Year. Another test. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I say something I'll regret. I'm praying for strength and peace to wash over me, to heal these wounds.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Not once during my hour there did a sales woman speak to me. They weren't really all that busy, but the only time I was approached was to unlock a fitting room.
I tried on half a dozen bras, one of my least favorite things to shop for. But I have no idea what my true size is. I've never been measured because I've always been too embarassed about the whole ordeal.
The thing is...I'm busty, just like most of the women in my family. I would love to get a reduction at some point, but I need to lose weight first. Trying bras on is always such a miserable experience. In fact, bras in general are just plain awful.
The best part of my day is coming home and taking the bra off. I usually head straight for my bedroom when I walk in the front door. Slipping into comfy clothes makes the day's cares just melt away.
But when you have to have them, you have to have them. Oh the joys of being a woman.
-- Post From My iPhone
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Last night, my husband and I went to my in-laws to announce some major news. Instead of having everyone's full attention though, the only person that even bothered to listen and talk to us was his mother. Instead, hubby's father and brother-in-law felt it was appropriate to begin discussing computer parts in the middle of our conversation.
It hurt me and my husband that they didn't even pretend to care. He was announcing that his MRI came back clean and he didn't have a tumor in his ear, as we previously believed. Major news, right? But instead, they all acted like we were discussing the weather.
It's one thing for me to feel like an outsider in his family. He shouldn't. But we constantly feel like we're in second place in a some race for his parent's affections. And with the birth announcement in October, we're way behind. I, of course, want to say something about it, but my husband is too level-headed for that. He doesn't want to cause any trouble in the family.
I have never felt like I fit in with his family. I'm practically estranged from my crazy family and I haven't made any friends since I've moved here. I'm friendly with people that my husband is friends with. But I haven't found a good, close girlfriend that I can talk to. I miss that so much.
I just feel so lonely.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
I am happy to report that I was down to 310.5 the weekend before Thanksgiving! I was so thrilled when I hopped onto the scale. It doesn't look like I'll be under 300 by the end of the year, but I was still pleased. Then of course, Thanksgiving came and went. I didn't want to restrict myself too much because I knew it would cost me in the end. So I ate what I want, but just smaller portions.
I actually only had one plate of food on Thanksgiving day and I threw half of it away! I can't say the same thing about dessert, but I still did better this year than last. After the holiday I weighed in at 312. So that's a 1.5 gain after turkey day. I'm hoping that it will be gone again after this week.
I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I really do want to get my eating under control. I'm experiencing more and more symptoms from the diabetes and I really don't like it. I need to make more changes in my life. Posting here more often is one of the things I want to work on. It helps me to focus on the good things and see where I need to imporove. I look at those weigh-ins and think about how much time I've wasted. I don't want this cycle to continue.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I'm already starting to feel better. Mostly because they did an EKG and said my heart sounded fine. That was a big relief. The nurse practitioner also said that I have bursitis in my left shoulder.
I need to figure out what I can do to help both of these things, but I also don't want to google the conditions too much. I don't want to worry myself any more. It causes me too much stress! And nobody needs more stress.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
I've been having chest pains. No, it's not heart burn. I have heart burn on occasion, after eating red sauces and I take a few tums and I feel almost instantly better. Go tums! But this is a different feeling. It's a dull ache deep inside my chest. And it's not going away.
I've read that women who have PCOS are more susceptible to heart disease. I haven't been taking good care of myself these last few years. And I haven't been to the doctor in ages.
I'm not sure if it's really all that bad, or if I'm just focusing on it more now because it's scaring me, so I'm noticing every little twinge & thump. But whatever the case, one good thing has come from all this. It's motivated me to get my butt in gear.
This week I've already racked up over 60 minutes on our exercise bike. And I've been trying to watch what I eat more closely. My weight has been down in the most recent weigh ins. Plus, I only had a few pieces of Halloween candy! I just hope that I can keep it up.
Now I'm off to do some research on heart-healthy foods.
Friday, October 23, 2009
I need to do better than this. I would love to be under 300 by the end of the year. I should be after 17 weeks, but I've done nothing but maintain. This cycle has got to end.
I'm worried about the holiday season. This is heaviest I've ever been in my life. I don't want to see the scale go over 320. I need to have more self-control.
I need to sit down and spend some time looking at the food I eat. Planning meals ahead of time would really help. Also outlining some exercise goals would be helpful.
I see a pattern in this post. I need. I need. I need. I need to stop thinking and start doing.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
My husband and I have been married for 5 years now. We have a very good relationship and are happy. When we met, I told hubby that I was diagnosed with PCOS and that more than likely, I would have trouble conceiving a child. He was okay with this because he wasn't even sure at the time that he wanted kids and he was also very open to the idea of adoption.
As anyone does, I have friends that are also married. Two of these friends are my best friends. They have had 5 children between the two of them in the last 5 years. Both of these women got pregnant fairly early into their marriages. At the time, my husband and I weren't at the point where we were ready to discuss having a family. Still, when each pregnancy was announced, I couldn't help feeling fearsome that I would never know the joy they were experiencing.
Fast forward to earlier this year. My baby sister, who is not married, whom I've never been very close with, announced she was pregnant. I was devastated. She was so young (22) & she would be giving my mother her first grandchild. It wasn't fair. Then I felt ashamed. I should be happy for her. Why did it have to hurt so much?
Then this summer, my oldest cousin, my only cousin left that hadn't been pregnant, announced she was expecting a little one early next year. Both she and my sister are having little girls.
My sister lives in another state, so I didn't see her during the pregnancy. I did throw her a baby shower. I tried very hard to make it as nice as I could. I spent hundreds of dollars on the decorations & her gift. Guilt maybe? For having those feelings of jealousy. I got through the shower by thinking of the little things, like the food & the games, instead of focusing on the fact that it was a BABY shower.
I am still hurting because in 5 years of marriage, using no protection at any time, my husband and I have still not conceived. He doesn't want to start any adoption proceedings until we are in our own house, which will be sometime next year.
So, it has been a hard year. But all of my family live hours away, and I was able to take comfort in not seeing or talking to them every day. Then, at the beginning of October my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant as well.
This was a major oops for her and her husband. They did not want to have a child for several years. They are not in good shape financially, nor do they have health insurance. So they are stressed about the baby coming.
Her pregnancy is what has me so upset. Because it was definitely not a "blessing" for them. Because I have to see her mother and father glowing with the joy of being grandparents soon. Because everyone is talking about how exciting it is going to be. Treating her like a queen. It's so hard to be around the family right now.
I talked to my mother-in-law about it and we cried together. I felt better afterward. Right now, I'm trying not to think about it too much. The next milestone will be when they find out the sex of the baby. My husband and I both really want a girl. And so far, that seems to be going around.
Why does someone else's good news have to hurt so much?
Monday, October 05, 2009
Polycystic ovary syndrome is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease. Polycystic ovary syndrome (or PCOS) is common, affecting as many as 1 in 15 women.
I was diagnosed while I was in high school. At that time, I went on birth control to help balance my hormones and regulate my period. I was on the pill through high school and into college. My periods were never heavy, generally only lasting a day or so. Then something happened and I stopped taking the birth control. It might have been that I lost health insurance when I turned 21. I really don't remember. I also moved and got married around that time, so all of those things might be contributing factors.
Since then, I have barely had any periods at all. Then last July, they started back up again all of a sudden. Still light, but very regular. Till January....when it lasted for a month. That was absolutely horrible. Then it skipped February. March came and came and came some more as well. Since then, nothing.
I'm typing this, not to gross any male readers out or for shock value. Mostly, to document the facts because, as shown above, I don't have a very good memory. I know I need to go to a doctor, but when you don't have health insurance, and all they want to do is run a bunch of tests on you, it's hardly affordable. I'm working towards fixing this insurance problem soon.
In the meantime, I want to do whatever I can at home to start helping myself control my PCOS. Are there any vitamins I can take? Any foods I should eat regularly? Surely there's something I can do to help myself besides just losing weight. Because we all know that's the biggie. And of course, that's even harder to do with PCOS .
Friday, September 25, 2009
If you've ever thought you looked okay, but then someone else told you that you were fat, or someone else's measuring tool said you were fat. Obviously today's standard's are way off.
Friday, September 18, 2009
For example, taking a shower was a dreaded task. The shower stalls at the campground were tiny and you aren't given much room to maneuver. Showering itself was okay, but having to get dressed in such a small space was difficult, to say the least. I don't know what most people do after a shower, but I hate putting clothes on right away. I like to stay wrapped in a towel or a bathrobe until I'm fully dry, then get dressed. That wasn't possible while camping.
The other major pain was getting in and out of the boat. For a fat girl like me, balance is an issue. You have to walk this narrow little board that is wobbling the whole time. It makes a little ramp that allows you to crawl up onto the boat. To get off the boat you have to maneuver the little ramp backwards. Fun times.
Probably the worst thing this week was trying to get onto the inter-tube. It is a heavy duty one that can be pulled by the speed boat, kinda like a water skier. You have to get on it from the boat beacause it's too big to get into from the water. That means launching yourself at it from the boat. Plopping yourself on it, as my father-in-law told me. The first time, my foot slipped off the boat and I fell into the water. Not too bad, just a little embarrassing. I'd get it the second time. I really threw myself at the tube, only to over-shoot it and crash into the water. It startled me and I swallowed a ton of water. That hurt my pride, but I convinced myself to try again. Thankfully, I made it the third time.
I forced myself to try the inter-tube because everyone else did and it looked like fun. And it was. But I had a heck of a time getting on because of my weight. It made it more difficult for me. Just like showering was more difficult and getting into and out of the boat.
A fat girl has it hard for sure.
-- Post From My iPhone
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
1. This first one is obvious. I want to lose weight. I want to lose the double chin and the thunder thighs. The second belly roll and the upper arm flab also need to go. These "pieces" of me need to hit the road and hightail it outta here.
2. This next one isn't so obvious, but I think you just might understand it. I'm fat. But I'm also a woman. A married woman. A daughter. A sister. A friend. An employee and a coworker. These identities are all a part of the whole that make up who I am. But the fat part of me is taking over the other pieces of me. I'm losing myself to my weight.
Let me explain. I don't like to go anywhere because I'm embarrassed to always be the heaviest person there. This effects my relationships with family members and friends, even coworkers! I can't do all the fun things I want to do, like going to amusement parks. Swimming is a huge favorite of mine, but I don't want to do it around anyone else because Heaven forbid, they see me in a swim suit.
My weight limits the fun I can have in life. I've traded in all these great activities and events for food. For over-indulging myself. For not being able to say no. I'm losing pieces of who I really want to be. I'm trading in this fun, social girl for an extra cupcake and a second helping of pasta.
I need to stop before I lose my other identities and all I am is the fat girl.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
We're going camping at a nearby lake. We'll be staying in the RV, riding around in the boat, swimming and cooking food on the grill. It's easy to overeat on vacation, especially camping. It seems like all you do is eat and then plan and prepare the next meal.
But I'm hoping to get a lot of exercise too. So if I'm careful, I won't have a gain to report next weekend. I'm taking my tennis shoes and my swimsuit, so exercise will be had. I don't want to be in a bathing suit in front of my family, but I'm not going to miss being in the water. That is, if the water isn't freezing!
I do have a post scheduled for Wednesday so be sure to check back!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I'm down 2.5 pounds this week. And what's better is that I know my scale is accurate because I was weighed at the doctor's yesterday. I was fully clothed at the time and was 2 pounds more than my scale at home says. And since I'm still sick, I might just drop another pound or two before it's all said and done.
I'm way to happy about this. I didn't earn this drop. And I won't keep it off if I don't change my habits. I know this. But I'm still celebrating like it's a victory.
Even though I went to the doctor's for a cold, he still managed to bring my weight up. "You need to exercise." Because 15 minutes a day, 6 days a week will help me drop the 150 pounds I need to lose. Hello?!?! Read the chart. I have PCOS. It's extremely frustrating when I do exercise and watch what I eat and then see no change.
I do need to come to grips with this though. Two years ago, I was told I'm prediabetic. I know it's gotten worse since then. I can feel my blood sugar drop from time to time. I've taken to carrying a small snack with me just in case. I need to figure out what needs to be done to manage this disease. If you're got any pointers, I'd love to hear it.
Friday, September 11, 2009
*I'm a bit grouchy.*
But since no one wants to learn how to do this work, I'm here spreading my germs all around. I won't feel sorry for anyone if they get sick.
The one good thing about being sick is a loss of appetite. Does anyone else like getting sick, simply because it means dropping a pound or two in a week with no effort? Sure, there's the stuffy nose and the sore throat, the nausea and the aches and pains to deal with. But losing 2 pounds without exercising is awesome!
*Cheers up a little.*
Sunday, September 06, 2009
1. I've always been fat. As early as 6th grade, I felt like the fat girl. I know nothing else. It has become my identity. If I'm not the fat girl, then who am I?
2. I use my weight as an excuse. I'm a shy person and there are times when I don't feel comfortable doing things. I always say it's because I'm fat and don't want to be laughed at. So I don't go to the office Christmas party or out to dinner with a new friend. I allow myself to avoid social contact. I don't put myself out there, because I'm afraid of getting hurt.
3. I'm essentially a lazy person. I don't want to do the work that's involved in getting healthy. Because I know it's HARD work.
4. I'm also very impatient. I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be fixed. But I didn't get this way overnight and it's not going to be undone over night either.
5. I'm afraid of failure. I'm scared to death that I will give everything I have to this and still fail. What happens then? I don't want to be stuck like this forever. So as long as I don't do it, it's my choice. I'm putting it off till later. But if I try and FAIL, then I will loose any hope of feeling good about myself.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Now, the bad news. Dreadful is more like it. Saturday marked my 11th week recording my weight on this blog. When I started, I was at 311 pounds. I was at a high point in this struggle. My best friend and I had just have a long conversation and we vowed we would help each other get healthy. This would be marked by weekly weigh-ins and phone calls to report the news to each other.
*Side Note* She lives more than 6 hours away, in our home town. Phone calls are all the we have.
Her participation didn't last very long. I totally understand. She has 2 kids and a very busy schedule. But I don't have those excuses. I only work 35 hours a week. And I still wanted this to be my time to shine.
I had set a little goal in my head that ends this weekend. I am going home for a short visit over the Labor Day holiday. I am going to see my friend and I had hoped we would be celebrating our weight loss victories together. Instead, I am up 6.5 pounds.
I have to ask myself why. Why could I not lose 11 pounds in 11 weeks? Surely a pound a week isn't difficult to lose, not for someone my size. It seems like I do a better job at losing weight or at least maintaining my weight when I'm not focused on dieting or exercise.
But every time I try to restrict myself, even the slightest amount, I end up sabotaging my plans. Why am I not ready for this to happen? Why can't I get motivated to lose weight? Just how far down do I have to get before I reach the bottom? I thought I was ready to start picking myself up out of this fat hole of depression and get on with my life. Why am I doing this to myself?!?!
And more importantly, how do I stop?
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Till I saw the photo. Most of my face is covered up by the camera. But you get a really nice view of my double chin. It's HUGE. There's a reason why I don't like getting my pictures taken and this is it. They make me feel awful when looking at them.
My mother-in-law wants to get a family portrait done soon. But I *really* don't want to because I'm the fattest person in the family and I know it will turn out awful. I hate depriving her of something she really wants and something she has every right to have. There are no pictures of my husband and I on display at his parent's house.
His mother has a picture of her daughter and her husband on display in the family room for everyone to see. It's a huge photo and I absolutely hate it. It hurt my feelings that she would put it on display when she doesn't have one of us. But then I realized that it's my fault that there isn't one of my husband and I up there as well.
I'm visiting my family is less than two weeks. It's the first most of them have seen me since last Christmas. I'm dreading it because I'm the fattest in that family too. I hate this. I hate this life.
But one glance at the weigh-in page will show that in the past 2 months, I've done nothing to change it.
Lord, please give me the strength to change my life.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I've started working out. I've actually gotten up off the couch, or out of the bed, and exercised.
Saturday, I went for a walk with my husband and his parents. We unfortunately interrupted a 5k so the walk only lasted 20 minutes, but it was still nice to get some fresh air. Plus, we were trying to book it back to the car to avoid any more run-ins (literally) with the runners that I worked up a little sweat despite the short length.
Yesterday, I was having such a bad day. Work sucked. I had a terrible headache. My left shoulder is killing me, and I have no idea why. All in all, I was feeling miserable. So I told myself, "Self - you can either sit here on the computer and continue to feel miserable, or you can go work out. At least then, there will be something to feel good about."
And so I did. I rode on the bike, while listening to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone on my iPod Touch. I only rode for 12 minutes though. Part of that was because I was getting tired. But I think I would have gotten to 15 if my husband hadn't come home just then.
The thing I'm most proud of is that I got up early this morning and worked out. I almost always wake up before my alarm goes off. Sometimes as much as an hour early. Generally, I lay in bed thinking, or try to fall back asleep. Today, I got out of bed and rode the bike again. And I made it to 15 minutes.
I'm hoping to go back after work and do another 15 minutes, for a total of 30 minutes for today. Not too shabby for a girl who has been too lazy to do much of anything most of her life.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I seriously don't know how I still managed a loss. Maybe I didn't do anything overly wrong that would create a gain.
Basically, I'm maintaining. I've been in this same weight range for a long time now. Over a year or more, I think.
But I don't want to maintain. I want to LOSE! I need to start exercising and stop eating junk food at work. These are my two biggest obstacles.
On another note, my friend and I are no longer calling each other every weekend. We never really got started. It only lasted like 2 weeks. So there goes that support system. But it's so hard when she's 6 hours away. We can't work out together like we used to anymore.
I'm all alone in this.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I know what I'm doing wrong. I just don't know why I can't force myself to change my ways. Something in my mind is not right. I know eating food from the snack bar at work is bad for me, yet every day, I do it anyway. I know getting seconds will make me feel awful later, but I do it anyway. I know playing on the computer instead of exercising is being lazy, but I do it anyway.
Is there a drug or vitamin or something out there that can change the way a person thinks? Something that can force me to take better care of myself? Because apparently, I can't do it of my own accord.
What's wrong with me?
Thursday, July 09, 2009
As anyone can see, I gained 5 pounds after my first week of recording. That was awful! I knew it was coming though. Whenever I try to restrict myself, this happens. I sabotage myself.
Thankfully, I lost some of that weight the next week. So far this week, things haven't been going so great in the exercise department, but I'm still trying to watch what I eat. The biggest change I've made is the amount of water I'm drinking.
I've increased my water intake by 100%! I never drank it before, but now it's what I drink most of the time. And I've stopped drinking pop. That was hard at first; I have caffeine withdrawal headaches, but now I'm much better!
Here's to the little changes!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The basic idea is that not all carbohydrates are created equally. Carbs can effect our insulin levels differently. There are "low GI carbs - medium GI carbs - and high GI carbs. It's important to eat the high GI carbs in moderation.
I'm going to try and make small changes so that I can begin a healthier lifestyle. I've already done more than I've ever done before, in starting this blog and joining a few websites to help track calories.
This is my turn.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
6/20 - 311
6/27 - 316 (+5)
7/4 - 313 (-3)
7/11 - 316.5 (+3.5)
7/18 - 315 (-1.5)
7/25 - 313 (-2)
8/1 - 315.5 (+2.5)
8/8 - 314.5 (-1)
8/15 - 316 (+2)
8/22 - 315.5 (-.5)
8/29 - 317.5 (+2)
9/05 - 316.5 (-1)
9/12 - 314 (-2.5)
9/19 - 315 (+1)
9/26 - 315 (0)
10/3 - 318 (+3)
10/10 - 319 (+1)
10/3 - 315 (-4)
10/10 - forgot to weigh in
10/17 - 315 (no change from two weeks prior)
10/24 - 315.5 (+.5)
10/31 - 314.5 (-1)
11/21 - 310.5 (-4)
11/28 - 312 (+1.5
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I came home and moved the coffee table out of the way, so I could pull out Wii Fit. I moved the exercise bike into a more usable position. And I changed into comfy clothes that I could work out in.
But things went down hill from there. Instead of starting right away, I sat down at the computer. Big mistake! I was only going to look at a few blogs before getting started. Unfortunately, I landed on a page that showed pictures of these yummy looking cupcakes in ice cream cones.
That made me remember the ice cream in the fridge. It was bought before I really wanted to try going on a diet. So I made an ice cream cone. After that, it was like, "well I've already messed up, so I may as well enjoy it. I'll start tomorrow." I had a huge bowl of cereal and then later ate some Ramen.
Now I'm sitting here feeling stuffed to the gills. And I hate myself for it. Every time I try to limit myself, I end up going all out. I hate the restriction, so I sabotage myself.
I hope I can pick myself up after this setback. I'd like to get on track tomorrow. I don't want to keep making excuses for myself.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I hope to use it much more often. It has a section for tracking your activity and your weight loss. Plus there are recipes and such on there as well. The great thing about it is that it's all free! That, along with the weight watchers point calculator that I found online, and my friend's help, I'm hoping to keep myself in line.
I also bookmarked some other great sites for recipes. I hope that by planning out my meals, I will be able to restrict my calorie intake. Not buying snack foods at the grocery store will certainly help.
I really need this to be my turn.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Today, I got motivated. I did a bunch of research on Weight Watchers and how to do it at home without paying for the program. A monthly fee is just not something we can take into our budget at the moment.
Plus I don't have a lot of faith in my success so I don't want to pay for it. That's great thinking to start out with huh?
But I did the research and then I talked to my best friend on the phone for a long time. Usually, she has her two girls and neither one of us can really talk long. Today our conversation lasted just over an hour and a half. It was so good talking to her.
Weight issues is a natural conversation topic with us because we've both struggled with it for years. Having her around was always a great motivator for me. But she lives 6 hours away now, so it's hard maintaining that relationship. And when we talk, I don't want to bring up the negative stuff.
We decided we should start talking more often, like once a week, to try and keep each other in line. And I really want to do it this time.
I want to change my life.