Friday, October 23, 2009

Emotional Eating

During the first week after I found out about my sister-in-law's pregnancy, I was a wreck. Crying all the time. And of course eating all the time too. It was reflected in my weight. I jumped from 315 to 318, then 319. Finally, as I was starting to feel a little better last week, my weight dropped back down to 315.

I need to do better than this. I would love to be under 300 by the end of the year. I should be after 17 weeks, but I've done nothing but maintain. This cycle has got to end.

I'm worried about the holiday season. This is heaviest I've ever been in my life. I don't want to see the scale go over 320. I need to have more self-control.

I need to sit down and spend some time looking at the food I eat. Planning meals ahead of time would really help. Also outlining some exercise goals would be helpful.

I see a pattern in this post. I need. I need. I need. I need to stop thinking and start doing.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Pain of Infertility

The last few weeks have been really tough on me. I've struggled with some severe bouts of depression. I've have a few crying fits that lasted long enough to give me a bad headache. I've been mad enough to scream. But let me tell it from the beginning.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now. We have a very good relationship and are happy. When we met, I told hubby that I was diagnosed with PCOS and that more than likely, I would have trouble conceiving a child. He was okay with this because he wasn't even sure at the time that he wanted kids and he was also very open to the idea of adoption.

As anyone does, I have friends that are also married. Two of these friends are my best friends. They have had 5 children between the two of them in the last 5 years. Both of these women got pregnant fairly early into their marriages. At the time, my husband and I weren't at the point where we were ready to discuss having a family. Still, when each pregnancy was announced, I couldn't help feeling fearsome that I would never know the joy they were experiencing.

Fast forward to earlier this year. My baby sister, who is not married, whom I've never been very close with, announced she was pregnant. I was devastated. She was so young (22) & she would be giving my mother her first grandchild. It wasn't fair. Then I felt ashamed. I should be happy for her. Why did it have to hurt so much?

Then this summer, my oldest cousin, my only cousin left that hadn't been pregnant, announced she was expecting a little one early next year. Both she and my sister are having little girls.

My sister lives in another state, so I didn't see her during the pregnancy. I did throw her a baby shower. I tried very hard to make it as nice as I could. I spent hundreds of dollars on the decorations & her gift. Guilt maybe? For having those feelings of jealousy. I got through the shower by thinking of the little things, like the food & the games, instead of focusing on the fact that it was a BABY shower.

I am still hurting because in 5 years of marriage, using no protection at any time, my husband and I have still not conceived. He doesn't want to start any adoption proceedings until we are in our own house, which will be sometime next year.

So, it has been a hard year. But all of my family live hours away, and I was able to take comfort in not seeing or talking to them every day. Then, at the beginning of October my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant as well.

This was a major oops for her and her husband. They did not want to have a child for several years. They are not in good shape financially, nor do they have health insurance. So they are stressed about the baby coming.

Her pregnancy is what has me so upset. Because it was definitely not a "blessing" for them. Because I have to see her mother and father glowing with the joy of being grandparents soon. Because everyone is talking about how exciting it is going to be. Treating her like a queen. It's so hard to be around the family right now.

I talked to my mother-in-law about it and we cried together. I felt better afterward. Right now, I'm trying not to think about it too much. The next milestone will be when they find out the sex of the baby. My husband and I both really want a girl. And so far, that seems to be going around.

Why does someone else's good news have to hurt so much?

Monday, October 05, 2009


Something I haven't mentioned on this blog yet is that I have PCOS. For those of you who aren't familiar with the disease, according to WebMd:

Polycystic ovary syndrome is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease. Polycystic ovary syndrome (or PCOS) is common, affecting as many as 1 in 15 women.

I was diagnosed while I was in high school. At that time, I went on birth control to help balance my hormones and regulate my period. I was on the pill through high school and into college. My periods were never heavy, generally only lasting a day or so. Then something happened and I stopped taking the birth control. It might have been that I lost health insurance when I turned 21. I really don't remember. I also moved and got married around that time, so all of those things might be contributing factors.

Since then, I have barely had any periods at all. Then last July, they started back up again all of a sudden. Still light, but very regular. Till January....when it lasted for a month. That was absolutely horrible. Then it skipped February. March came and came and came some more as well. Since then, nothing.

I'm typing this, not to gross any male readers out or for shock value. Mostly, to document the facts because, as shown above, I don't have a very good memory. I know I need to go to a doctor, but when you don't have health insurance, and all they want to do is run a bunch of tests on you, it's hardly affordable. I'm working towards fixing this insurance problem soon.

In the meantime, I want to do whatever I can at home to start helping myself control my PCOS. Are there any vitamins I can take? Any foods I should eat regularly? Surely there's something I can do to help myself besides just losing weight. Because we all know that's the biggie. And of course, that's even harder to do with PCOS .

So unfair.