Monday, April 26, 2010

New Changes

I've made a couple of changes in the last few days. Minor changes that I hope will aid me.

First, and I think most importantly, I've started tracking my food. Right now, I'm using Spark People and My Fitness Pal. Eventually, I'll narrow it down to one or the other, but I wasn't sure which site I wanted to use, so I'm giving them both a try. It's my understanding that Spark People has been around longer, and so probably has better tools and a larger index of food. But I'm finding My Fitness Pal easier to use. There's also Calorie Count, which I've used in the past to track my weight. But I haven't actually entered any foods into their website before. It might be worth a try.

Second, I've started listening to Dr. Colbert's "I Can Do This Diet" on audio.
After the encouragement of a few fellow bloggers, and my mother-in-law, I thought he might have beneficial information to share. I've just started the book, so I haven't gotten any really good points out of it yet, but I'm sure they are in there.

Last week was a bad week. But I'm not going to let it get me down. I've worked hard this year and I'm not ready to give up yet. I think keeping this blog has really helped. I know getting feedback and encouragement from readers makes me feel awesome. Thank you all so much! 

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Food Confessions

I can't figure out why exactly, but I've had a tough week. Every night when we've discussed dinner plans, I've wanted spaghetti. And I've been thinking about eating ice cream and breads too. Thankfully, we don't have anything in the house that would be that bad if I ate it. I could binge and eat a lot, but it would be on apples, sugar free jolly ranchers, beef jerky etc.

I went so far as to look in the cupboard to see if we had the ingredients for spaghetti. Thankfully, while we had a variety of noodles, we didn't have sauce. Then, when we were at the grocery yesterday, I actually went down the pasta aisle. But my husband pulled me away from the sauce before I could put it in the cart. He's been so great. 

I can't figure out why I'm sitting here wanting cereal this morning for breakfast. Why do I want to cheat? Sure, it's not always easy, but the rewards have been awesome. I can say that I've lost over 30 pounds. I've been able to go down a size in my jeans. Some of my old shirts that used to be too tight fit okay now.

It's not temptation, because there's nothing here to tempt me. I want things we don't have. But my mind keeps telling me these are the things I want, that I won't be happy until I get them.

I know that if I were to eat ice cream or spaghetti that it would be yummy. And five minutes after eating it, I would feel awful. Guilty. I'd be mad at myself, mad for eating it, mad for giving in, for being weak.

I know all these things and yet, I still want the stupid spaghetti. I feel gross even feeling like this. Admitting it makes me feel like a fool. I was hoping that by putting this out there, that it would make me feel better. That I might overcome whatever this is. Or maybe at least understand it a little better.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Gala Apples

I have heard over and over again how good writing your food down can be. This visual exercise shows you how much you actually eat and what it all adds up to. I've been meaning to do it for awhile now, but I keep forgetting or putting it off. Whatever my excuse, it hasn't gotten done.

So this morning, I decided it was time to stop putting it off. It didn't matter that I didn't have a fancy notebook or excel spreadsheet to write it down in. I got a lined yellow notepad from the office supply closet at work (shhh....don't tell!) and started calculating breakfast.

I know breakfast is important blah blah blah, but I just can't make myself a huge plate of food in the morning. I usually eat an apple with a bottle of water. Sometimes, I have an atkins bar or an activia shake to go with it. I wanted to write down the calories and carbs of everything I eat. Since apples don't come with nutritional information on the side, I had to look it up online. I started at's Calorie Count

In case you have trouble seeing that, it says 1 large gala apple has 22 carbs!!! I was shocked. I knew there would be some natural sugar in the apple. It's sweet. But I wasn't expecting 22 carbs. That's almost my daily allotment of carbs.

I love apples. I eat them daily. But now, I need to seriously rethink that. 22 carbs is a lot. I knew I needed to avoid grapes, raisins and bananas, but I thought apples were okay. I decided to get a second opinion. says that apples have 9.5 carbs, but I couldn't find anything on gala apples specifically.

And here I've been avoiding strawberries, and says they only have 5.8 carbs. Calorie Count says 11.7. I love fruit. I know a person is supposed to have several servings of fruit a day (I've seen 2 cups or 5 pieces), but how do you do that and avoid the carbs? Most, if not all, fruit have natural sugars.

I seriously have a lot to learn.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Jillian Wrap Up

I've finished taking the Jillian Michaels Jumpstart 14 Day Cleanse and Burn.
The two weeks on the cleanse were not that bad really. There were definitely some uncomfortable moments, but nothing too bad. The weight lost was totally worth it and I would definitely take it again.

Here's the breakdown:

Pre-Jillian: 293.2
Post-Jillian: 285.8
Weight Lost: 7.4
2010 Total Lost: 32.7

7.4 pounds in 2 weeks! I hadn't lost that much weight since I first started this new diet back in January. I lost 7 pounds my very first week. So it was such a nice surprise when I weighed in. I had felt like I was in a slump and this was just the thing I needed to get me motivated again.

Now the trick will be to keep myself motivated enough to lose weight without the drugs. Because while I was definitely successful, I don't think I will continue taking her products. Mostly because it's so expensive. I would never have bought this for myself, but my DH brought it home to me. He knew I was stuck and wanted to help, so when he found it on sale, he bought it. But I can't justify spending that much money every few weeks on myself when he's trying to lose weight as well. And we definitely can't afford to buy it for both of us.

So....yes, I would recommend it to others who might need a little boost, but as for me, I'm done with it for now and I'm very satisfied. =)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. - Confucius

I wanted to direct any readers that might come by to Merry's blog today. She has a post called "I don't feel beautiful" that made me cry when I read it. I can relate to it that much. So go check it out. She says it much better than I ever could.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Pieces of Me

I don't know if this is the right choice or not, but for now, I've decided to keep 2 blogs - this blog, which will primarily focus on weight loss and infertility and Pieces of Me - which will deal with anything else I might want to talk about, like crafting and whatnot. There are now links on the top of both blogs that will direct you to the other for easy browsing. =) You can visit Pieces of Me today for a new post on the shower aftermath.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

"There's no relief, I'm wide awake in my kitchen, It's black and I'm lonely, Oh, if I could only get some sleep..."

I need my sleep. If you know one thing about me, know that I can be very cranky if I don't get enough of it. I'm generally in bed by 10:30 at the latest during the week. My alarm is set for 7, but I'm typically awake before that.

I have an internal alarm so if I just tell myself when I need to be up, my brain wakes my body up just slightly before that time. Unless I'm medicated in some way, this has worked flawlessly for some time now.

On a typical night, I wake up one time, usually around 4am, for a bathroom run. I try to keep myself in a hazy state, not really awake, but not asleep, so that when I make it back to the bed, I have no problem returning to a dream state.

Not this week. For the past several nights, I've woken up sometime between 3:30 & 4:45 and have not been able to fall back asleep. So I've laid there for hours, trying desperately to clear my mind.

My husband is a big believer in meditation, so I've tried doing that occasionally. I've counted sheep and just about every other method I could think of to get back to sleep. Last night, I even took a unisom, but I still woke up at 3:30.

I know it's because I have too many thoughts running through my head. Things that need to be finished before the shower on Saturday, not too mention the depression this has brought on. Hopefully, after Saturday is over, things will return to normal. Only 2 more nights to go!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Week of the Shower

It's only Tuesday and this week has already been extremely hectic. My sister-in-law's baby shower is Saturday and guess who's hosting? There really wasn't anyone else to do it and it would have been wrong not to step up and take care of everything for her. But it's really leaving me in a bad place.

My sister-in-law actually just got out of the hospital with some minor pregnancy complications so everyone has been either at the hospital or helping her and her husband out with various things. Because of that, I've had to do practically everything for the shower myself. Plus, my MIL has to work the morning of the shower so I have to set everything up myself. She'll arrive just in time for the start of the shower. I don't mind doing all this. Actually, it keeps me busy and my mind occupied.

What I do mind is the constant reminder that no one will ever do this for me. I'll never get soft, cuddly security blankets for my child or adorable onesies that say things like "Daddy's Girl." One of the worst moments was when my MIL showed me the gift she got for her daughter's delivery day. My MIL wears 3 tiny baby rings on a chain around her neck every single day, one for each of her children. So she got her daughter one just like it for her new baby. I could have wept right there.

I've been having lots of those moments.

Most generally, my DH is great when I'm struggling with stuff that's upsetting. But when dealing with this particular subject, he's not been very helpful. He's not been mean, but he just doesn't understand why her having a baby affects me the way it does. *sigh* No one really understands....

I just need to get through this week. Things will be easier after the shower is over. I won't have to worry about family members asking me the dreaded question, "So when are you going to have kids?"

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Update on Jillian

I've taken the Jillian Michaels 14 day Cleanse for the first week now and I've got to say, it's really helped! I've definitely felt a difference, both good and bad changes. Of course, I've had some digestive issues, but nothing too bad.

It's been nothing compared to the weight I've lost. At the end of March, I was at 293.2. I'm already at 288.2. That's a 5 pound loss, almost as much as I lost the entire month of March! Wow!

I'll post another update once I finish with the cleanse. I would definitely say it's worth checking out, if you're thinking about trying it.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

April Optimism

I'm hoping to really kick it up a notch in April! I've started taking Jillian Michaels 14 Day Cleanse. I just started taking it so I don't know if it's going to work. But I figured it was worth a shot. I've been kinda in a slump and thought it just might give me the kick I need. So we'll see!