Friday, September 25, 2009

BMI Project

I was browsing Axis of Fat today when I found a link to Kate Harding's BMI Project. It is some seriously powerful stuff. It's a little old, but I highly recommend you check it out.

If you've ever thought you looked okay, but then someone else told you that you were fat, or someone else's measuring tool said you were fat. Obviously today's standard's are way off.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Camping Difficulties

Being fat makes every day tasks difficult, especially everyday tasks while camping. Sometimes things were so hard that it left me feeling so frustrated I could cry.

For example, taking a shower was a dreaded task. The shower stalls at the campground were tiny and you aren't given much room to maneuver. Showering itself was okay, but having to get dressed in such a small space was difficult, to say the least. I don't know what most people do after a shower, but I hate putting clothes on right away. I like to stay wrapped in a towel or a bathrobe until I'm fully dry, then get dressed. That wasn't possible while camping.

The other major pain was getting in and out of the boat. For a fat girl like me, balance is an issue. You have to walk this narrow little board that is wobbling the whole time. It makes a little ramp that allows you to crawl up onto the boat. To get off the boat you have to maneuver the little ramp backwards. Fun times.

Probably the worst thing this week was trying to get onto the inter-tube. It is a heavy duty one that can be pulled by the speed boat, kinda like a water skier. You have to get on it from the boat beacause it's too big to get into from the water. That means launching yourself at it from the boat. Plopping yourself on it, as my father-in-law told me. The first time, my foot slipped off the boat and I fell into the water. Not too bad, just a little embarrassing. I'd get it the second time. I really threw myself at the tube, only to over-shoot it and crash into the water. It startled me and I swallowed a ton of water. That hurt my pride, but I convinced myself to try again. Thankfully, I made it the third time.

I forced myself to try the inter-tube because everyone else did and it looked like fun. And it was. But I had a heck of a time getting on because of my weight. It made it more difficult for me. Just like showering was more difficult and getting into and out of the boat.

A fat girl has it hard for sure.

-- Post From My iPhone

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Losing Little Pieces of Me

I felt like I should explain why I named my blog Losing Little Pieces of Me. There are actually 2 reasons.

1. This first one is obvious. I want to lose weight. I want to lose the double chin and the thunder thighs. The second belly roll and the upper arm flab also need to go. These "pieces" of me need to hit the road and hightail it outta here.

2. This next one isn't so obvious, but I think you just might understand it. I'm fat. But I'm also a woman. A married woman. A daughter. A sister. A friend. An employee and a coworker. These identities are all a part of the whole that make up who I am. But the fat part of me is taking over the other pieces of me. I'm losing myself to my weight.

Let me explain. I don't like to go anywhere because I'm embarrassed to always be the heaviest person there. This effects my relationships with family members and friends, even coworkers! I can't do all the fun things I want to do, like going to amusement parks. Swimming is a huge favorite of mine, but I don't want to do it around anyone else because Heaven forbid, they see me in a swim suit.

My weight limits the fun I can have in life. I've traded in all these great activities and events for food. For over-indulging myself. For not being able to say no. I'm losing pieces of who I really want to be. I'm trading in this fun, social girl for an extra cupcake and a second helping of pasta.

I need to stop before I lose my other identities and all I am is the fat girl.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


At approximately 3:30 today, we'll be leaving for vacation. I'm still not feeling great, but we've been planning this trip since early this year and I don't want to miss it. It took me awhile, but I got my bags packed and I think we're about ready to hit the road.

We're going camping at a nearby lake. We'll be staying in the RV, riding around in the boat, swimming and cooking food on the grill. It's easy to overeat on vacation, especially camping. It seems like all you do is eat and then plan and prepare the next meal.

But I'm hoping to get a lot of exercise too. So if I'm careful, I won't have a gain to report next weekend. I'm taking my tennis shoes and my swimsuit, so exercise will be had. I don't want to be in a bathing suit in front of my family, but I'm not going to miss being in the water. That is, if the water isn't freezing!

I do have a post scheduled for Wednesday so be sure to check back!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

A Small Victory

Woo Hoo! I knew being sick would help!

I'm down 2.5 pounds this week. And what's better is that I know my scale is accurate because I was weighed at the doctor's yesterday. I was fully clothed at the time and was 2 pounds more than my scale at home says. And since I'm still sick, I might just drop another pound or two before it's all said and done.

I'm way to happy about this. I didn't earn this drop. And I won't keep it off if I don't change my habits. I know this. But I'm still celebrating like it's a victory.

Even though I went to the doctor's for a cold, he still managed to bring my weight up. "You need to exercise." Because 15 minutes a day, 6 days a week will help me drop the 150 pounds I need to lose. Hello?!?! Read the chart. I have PCOS. It's extremely frustrating when I do exercise and watch what I eat and then see no change.

I do need to come to grips with this though. Two years ago, I was told I'm prediabetic. I know it's gotten worse since then. I can feel my blood sugar drop from time to time. I've taken to carrying a small snack with me just in case. I need to figure out what needs to be done to manage this disease. If you're got any pointers, I'd love to hear it.

Friday, September 11, 2009

An Optimist's View on Being Sick

I've been sick all week. Really sick. The kind of sick that you don't even want to hear about. Unfortunately, I'm stuck at work, despite how cruddy I feel. No one else can do some of the things I do, so I crawled out of bed this morning and am now sitting here waiting on someone to finish his work before I can start mine.

*I'm a bit grouchy.*

But since no one wants to learn how to do this work, I'm here spreading my germs all around. I won't feel sorry for anyone if they get sick.

*More grouchiness.*

The one good thing about being sick is a loss of appetite. Does anyone else like getting sick, simply because it means dropping a pound or two in a week with no effort? Sure, there's the stuffy nose and the sore throat, the nausea and the aches and pains to deal with. But losing 2 pounds without exercising is awesome!

*Cheers up a little.*

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Questions Answered

After writing and reading my last post, I reflected on the questions I asked myself. I'm not sure I have the answers, but here's what I came up with.

1. I've always been fat. As early as 6th grade, I felt like the fat girl. I know nothing else. It has become my identity. If I'm not the fat girl, then who am I?

2. I use my weight as an excuse. I'm a shy person and there are times when I don't feel comfortable doing things. I always say it's because I'm fat and don't want to be laughed at. So I don't go to the office Christmas party or out to dinner with a new friend. I allow myself to avoid social contact. I don't put myself out there, because I'm afraid of getting hurt.

3. I'm essentially a lazy person. I don't want to do the work that's involved in getting healthy. Because I know it's HARD work.

4. I'm also very impatient. I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be fixed. But I didn't get this way overnight and it's not going to be undone over night either.

5. I'm afraid of failure. I'm scared to death that I will give everything I have to this and still fail. What happens then? I don't want to be stuck like this forever. So as long as I don't do it, it's my choice. I'm putting it off till later. But if I try and FAIL, then I will loose any hope of feeling good about myself.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Questions Asked

First, the good news. Let me just say how excited I was today to be mentioned on The Fat Girl's Guide to Living! Thank you Tee! I've been reading their blog for awhile now and I absolutely love it. If you haven't done so, you MUST check it out.

Now, the bad news. Dreadful is more like it. Saturday marked my 11th week recording my weight on this blog. When I started, I was at 311 pounds. I was at a high point in this struggle. My best friend and I had just have a long conversation and we vowed we would help each other get healthy. This would be marked by weekly weigh-ins and phone calls to report the news to each other.

*Side Note* She lives more than 6 hours away, in our home town. Phone calls are all the we have.

Her participation didn't last very long. I totally understand. She has 2 kids and a very busy schedule. But I don't have those excuses. I only work 35 hours a week. And I still wanted this to be my time to shine.

I had set a little goal in my head that ends this weekend. I am going home for a short visit over the Labor Day holiday. I am going to see my friend and I had hoped we would be celebrating our weight loss victories together. Instead, I am up 6.5 pounds.

I have to ask myself why. Why could I not lose 11 pounds in 11 weeks? Surely a pound a week isn't difficult to lose, not for someone my size. It seems like I do a better job at losing weight or at least maintaining my weight when I'm not focused on dieting or exercise.

But every time I try to restrict myself, even the slightest amount, I end up sabotaging my plans. Why am I not ready for this to happen? Why can't I get motivated to lose weight? Just how far down do I have to get before I reach the bottom? I thought I was ready to start picking myself up out of this fat hole of depression and get on with my life. Why am I doing this to myself?!?!

And more importantly, how do I stop?