Gym Membership

I joined a gym today! It's my first time ever paying for a membership. It cost me $79.00 for 3 months. Is that a good price?

It's a small gym but there are still plenty of machines to use. And there are a TON of weights. The owner also has an area for aerobics and workout videos. And a few classes available in the evening, like Zumba.

It's also the closest gym to home and work being only about 10 minutes away. The only other gym even remotely close is 25 minutes in the wrong direction from work. I just don't see myself getting up at 6 am to drive that long to work out before work. I don't want to push myself too much for fear of failure.

The plan is to go three mornings a week before work to start. One of the other ladies at the office joined with me so we have an accountability partner.

It's time I get out there and do some things to better myself. This is just the first of many changes I'm hoping to make. More on some of those ideas later.

TMI Period.

Having PCOS, something I have to deal with are irregular periods. I think most people are aware that they go hand in hand. I'm used to going months without having a cycle and except for the infertility issues, that's fine by me.

That's why, when I was craving the brownies and all that sugar earlier this month, I didn't make the connection to PMS. But then my cycle started about a week after the emotional roller coaster slowed down. I'm still dealing with some issues, but for the most part, I think things are slowly improving.

Generally, with PCOS, cycles can be triggered by even the slightest weight loss. So I wasn't surprised that I had a regular period at the beginning of this year. But then when everything went to pot in May, they stopped. But maybe this month's was a sign that I'm getting back on track. I've done well these last few weeks. I'm not necessarily eating things that are great for me, but I am eating less.

I've been avoiding the scale recently. I know I haven't gained or loss much because my clothes are fitting the same. But I am holding out hope that the number I see at my next weigh-in will be good!

Celebrating a 50 Pound Loss...or Not.

My husband has lost 50 pounds.

Of course, I'm thrilled for him. I know he's worked hard to lose those pounds. But at the same time, it's really hard for me to accept. I'm still at the 30 pound loss mark. And the scale is barely moving these days. (I guess it could be worse. It could be going up.)

One of the biggest challenges I have with his loss is that I've never weighed more than he does. In our entire relationship, we've both been overweight and he has weighed more than I have. Not anymore. And I don't want to be one of those couples where the women is so much heavier than the man. People look at those couples and wonder where's the attraction.

Also, because he's doing such a good job, I feel even more guilt when I eat something that I know I shouldn't. I don't even want to eat around him anymore. It makes me feel ashamed.

I should have started this post by making it clear that my husband is NOT making me feel these things. He's NOT doing anything to indicate he feels bothered by my lack of weight loss. He's very supportive, as he's always been. These emotions are all in my head.

The question is...how do I get rid of them?

Emotional Eating

It's been a rough couple of weeks, especially this last week. I've been on an emotional roller-coaster, and not the fun kind. I'm not ready to divulge details yet, but suffice it to say that I'm really struggling right now.

And of course, I'm finding myself drawn to food to comfort me. Really bad food. Chips and sweets mostly.

This week alone, I've eaten an entire tray of brownies by myself. And each time I ate one or two or three, I felt gross afterward. But I kept going back for more. Day after day. Thankfully, now they are gone. Because I ATE THEM ALL.

Until all this drama calms down, I don't know how to curb my emotional eating. I feel like everything is spinning out of control, out of MY control. And I don't know how to reign everything back in.

For now, since the drama is here to stay, I wish I could manifest my stress in ways other than eating junk food. I wish I was one of those people that cleaned their house from top to bottom, or threw out a bunch of stuff they don't need. Those are healthy ways of dealing with stress.

But me....I gotta eat.

Recapping August

I can't believe I didn't post at all in August. It was a busy month for us. Work was hectic. We went on vacation. Plus, we've got some other stuff going on that I'd rather not talk about at the moment.

To be honest, not much has changed with me. I'm still hovering around the same weight. I actually lost 4 pounds on vacation. Wow! Not sure how I did that with all the eating that was had. But we did do a LOT of walking. So, I guess that just off-set the yummy food I consumed.

I did buy a new swimsuit from Swimsuits Just for Us and I was very pleased with how it looked on me. It was a two piece shortini. The colors are a little off in the picture and I was thrilled with the difference. It has more turquoise in it, which I LOVED. I probably could have ordered the next size down because the top was a bit large. The straps are adjustable, but not enough. So I'm going to shorten them myself and then sew it back together. Shouldn't be too hard.

I went swimming twice and went in the lazy river. I didn't even feel that self-conscious about it. I was proud of myself. I looked around at all the people there and realized no one had a perfect body. And nobody was looking at me either. We were all too concerned with ourselves to worry about what anyone else was up to. That really allowed me to have more fun, which was nice.

I'd like to say I'll do better in September and I'm sure going to try. Truly I don't know what the future holds for me. But I'm doing my best to keep a positive attitude about it.

Getting Back on Track

I have done really great over the past week and I'm so excited about it. I've lost 6 pounds! Here's what I've been up to.

• My husband and I are still exercising together. We went hiking last Saturday. It was HOT, 96 degrees. 
• We also walked at the high school track on Monday. The weather wasn't as bad; I did a mile that day, with a little bit of jogging thrown in there.

•  I've been getting serious about drinking water. I've been carrying a Smart Water bottle with me everywhere. Most of the time, it's filled with tap water though. =) 
• Using some beginner's videos on YouTube, I've tried Zumba. I think I like it, but I'm not ready to buy just yet. Has anyone had any experience with it? 
• I've really restricted my portion sizes this week. I think that has helped the most.

I'm pretty proud of myself for digging in and making some necessary changes. Now to keep it up!

Water Fun

I mentioned on my last post that I'll be going on vacation in August. We're heading to a resort that has tons of opportunities for water sports. My husband can't wait to try the jet skies. I love to swim. And we're planning on renting a boat one day as well.

But I'm so self-conscious that I don't always have much fun when it comes to summertime. I spend most of my time indoors instead of in the water where I'd rather be. I wish I felt differently. I wish I was as empowered as some of the women commenting on this post, which couldn't have come at a better time for me.

I just don't feel comfortable with my body. I'm embarrassed. And I feel like everyone stares at the fat girl. That's why I love The Fat Girl's Guide to Living blog. They've covered some topics that I've always wondered about. Like going to an amusement or water park, riding a horse or a bicycle. Can I do it? The resort we're staying at has a weight limit of 260 for the horseback riding, so in this case, the answer is no.

Even with their encouragement, I still can't get over my self-consciousness. It seems prideful really, to think that everyone is paying attention to me when they have better things to do, i.e. have fun! In the rational part of my brain, I know that everyone has their own worries about their bodies and they're not paying me any attention. The irrational part of my brain has control though.

Reading the posts on the FGG do make me feel better about myself, especially while reading them, but I still haven't figured out how to adapt their advice to the real world.

Summertime

This summer is not at all going according to plan. I'm so frustrated with myself these last 3 months. I've wasted precious time. Thankfully, I haven't gained much, only about 3 pounds and it's been fluctuating up and down. But I can't seem to get back on track.

I'm going on vacation in one month. There will be plenty of opportunities for swimming, boating, jet skies etc. And I have friends that I haven't seen in a year coming Labor Day weekend. I really wanted to have lost more weight by that time. But even if I start doing better today, there isn't enough time to lose as much as I could have in those 3 months.

I keep trying to remember how I finally got to the point where I curtailed my eating. But I can't seem to remember that mind set. I know exactly how I fell off the wagon. And I'm still dealing with some difficult emotions regarding the death of my goddaughter and my niece's birth, all in the same week.

My husband is still doing great. He hit his second goal and was able to go down a size, almost two, in his jeans.  Despite his good example, I'm still eating too much. It makes me feel gross when I see how much I'm eating compared to him. He doesn't do anything to make me feel that way, except sticking to his diet. I am still working out a couple times a week, so that helps. I've been lifting weights some too, trying to tone my arms. I'm just now starting to notice a difference, so that's good.

But I'm still angry with myself. Why do I treat myself this way? Why can't I eat less? Why do I let myself live this way? And how can I change it?

PS. I keep getting weird comments on my blogs, so unfortunately, I'm going to have to turn on comment moderation. I really don't want to do this, but after 10 or so comments on the last post, most of which I had to delete, I think it's time. Sorry about that!

June 2010 Weigh In

No weigh in this month. I haven't lost any weight. I am still where I was at the beginning of the month. June was a total waste of time. I'm so frustrated with myself; I don't even know what to say. I'm mad. Sometimes, I really just hate my life. I know that's horrible but sometimes, I just do. I wish things were different and I know it's up to me to change things, but I just don't know how.

Hiking

I've been meaning to write this post all week, but I kept getting distracted by other things. Mostly, I've been spending a lot of time on Tumblr. Here's the link to my tumblr if you're interested.

Over the weekend, my husband and I went hiking for the first time in a LONG time. He had been asking me to go and I kept putting it off. "It's too hot!" was my main reason. And it is hot. 90 degrees, even at 9pm! So we've been working out in the house, where's there's air conditioning.

But something inspired me Sunday morning so at 7am, I woke up and said, "Okay, let's go hiking right now!" So we did. We had to drive a little ways to get to the trail he wanted to hike. It's a 1.2 mile stretch and it took us about 40 minutes. Give or take a few minutes because we took pictures.

I know our time isn't great, but I have several excuses. =) First, we did take pictures, though our camera battery died about 1/3 of the way into the hike. Second, it was our first hike in a long time, so we went slower than we used to. Third, the place is called Hemlock Cliffs. It wasn't a flat trail by any means. For example, here's what part of the trail looks like.



I tried to get some pretty pictures, though I kept having to turn the camera off and on because of the battery. We only ended up with about 30 pictures, most of which I'd be happy to delete. But I got a few I like.





These steps were steeper than they look in the photo. This area was probably the hardest part of the trail. You really have to take your time or you could get hurt.




Plus, it had rained the previous day, so the rocks were slippery. But because the rain was so recent, there were waterfalls where there normally wouldn't be. It was so pretty!




We're planning on going back with a full camera battery so we can get more photos!

May 2010 Recap

As I stated in my last post, May did not go at all according to plan. I know that was mostly my fault and I accept the consequences of my actions. Sure, I feel bad about it and I'm kicking myself. I'm angry. But really, there's nothing I can do about the time that's past.

Instead, I'm focusing on the future. June will be better than May! I will it to be so. I've already started getting back to my good habits. I don't feel like I'm starting completely over, but almost.

May did teach me one lesson. I can maintain my current weight with little effort, which to me is excellent news. I didn't want to find out that I had gained those 30 pounds back. I was anxious about stepping on the scale after those first few bad weeks. But the numbers weren't as scary as I thought. And after a little work, I managed to end up just about where I started the month at. 

A Month of Maintaining

This month has not gone at all according to plan. I was hoping to kick it up a notch, start exercising more and drop more pounds by the family reunion in June. Unfortunately, that has not happened.

With all the emotional stuff happening at the beginning of the month, I got turned completely around. I started eating larger portions again. We ate out more this month than any of the last few months combined. And I've eaten more junk food than I should have.

But I did start exercising more. Maybe I knew I would need it to help even out the break in my diet. Whatever the reason, I have been able to maintain my weight. It's fluctuated a few pounds up and down. However, overall, I've been maintaining for the last month or so.

I'm ready for that to change. I'm ready to start losing weight again. I felt so proud of myself for losing those 30 pounds. I want to lose 30 more. And then maybe 30 more after that. I need to get back on track.

Having my husband do this with me has been a huge help. And a great hindrance. When one of us fail, the other starts slipping. But we also pull strength from each other. I think we're both ready to get back on track.

So, we've discussed it and while we still don't know for sure what we're doing, we are going to start trying harder. I don't want to get sucked back into the though pattern that losing weight is too hard. It is hard! But it's not impossible. And those 30 pounds gone proves that.

A Major Phony

Sometimes, I feel like a big fat fake. Blogging about my weight loss journey has really helped me in the last 6 months or so, but sometimes, I just want to scream, don't look at me. I'm a complete loser and don't know what the heck I'm doing.

If I look back at my life, I can honestly say this is the first time I've REALLY tried to lose weight. I've given it half-assed efforts in the past, but they never amounted to much. And I've never really lost a significant amount of weight.

But now, I can say, I've lost 30 pounds! Yay! Go me! Not really.......

Sure, I have definitely changed my eating habits. I've cut out a substantial amount of sugar. And my DH and I are eating *mostly* low carb. But I'm BARELY exercising at all. So, I feel like major phony. I haven't had to work hard to lose those 30 pounds.

But I know that all of the weight isn't going to come off as easily. Do I have the strength to continue this journey if there's real effort required to make it happen? I have to ask myself why I don't work harder. I want to be healthier. I want to be thinner. I guess it boils down to laziness. It's easier to fail. Plus, I'm worried that I'll give it everything I have and still fail. Then, what do I do?

April Recap

This is going to be short and sweet, but I didn't want to skip my monthly recap post. I'm still sorting through a lot of emotions right now. Honestly, I don't know how to make myself feel better. My husband says I have to force myself to focus on the good things. But that seems so false. I don't want to pretend I'm happy just for the sake of other people. But I don't want to keep being miserable either....

At my lowest point in April, I weighed 285.8. That was right after finishing the Jillian Michael's Jumpstart 14 Day Cleanse and Burn. Since then, I've put on a little bit of weight. That's no surprise. While I was at the hospital last week, I had McDonald's twice. It was either that or expensive hospital food that didn't taste good, or go hungry. Maybe I made the wrong choice, but it's done now. 

I also allowed myself one guilt-free crash meal. Saturday night, after spending all day at the hospital, we ate at O'Charley's. Talk about emotional eating. I had bread and pasta. My body was calling for it. And I caved.

Brief Hiatus

In case you've missed it, there's a new post on my other blog which will fill you in on why I haven't been around the last few days. And why it will be difficult for me to be around for the next few days as well.

But I am trying my best to stay "on the wagon." I've been very aware of what I've been eating. I'm tracking my food daily. And I'm listening to Dr. Colbert's audio book when I get the chance.

I think if I can continue to eat healthy through this ordeal than it will prove how dedicated I am to changing my life. If anything good can come out of this, there's that.

Be back soon.

New Changes

I've made a couple of changes in the last few days. Minor changes that I hope will aid me.

First, and I think most importantly, I've started tracking my food. Right now, I'm using Spark People and My Fitness Pal. Eventually, I'll narrow it down to one or the other, but I wasn't sure which site I wanted to use, so I'm giving them both a try. It's my understanding that Spark People has been around longer, and so probably has better tools and a larger index of food. But I'm finding My Fitness Pal easier to use. There's also Calorie Count, which I've used in the past to track my weight. But I haven't actually entered any foods into their website before. It might be worth a try.

Second, I've started listening to Dr. Colbert's "I Can Do This Diet" on audio.

After the encouragement of a few fellow bloggers, and my mother-in-law, I thought he might have beneficial information to share. I've just started the book, so I haven't gotten any really good points out of it yet, but I'm sure they are in there.

Last week was a bad week. But I'm not going to let it get me down. I've worked hard this year and I'm not ready to give up yet. I think keeping this blog has really helped. I know getting feedback and encouragement from readers makes me feel awesome. Thank you all so much! 

Food Confessions

I can't figure out why exactly, but I've had a tough week. Every night when we've discussed dinner plans, I've wanted spaghetti. And I've been thinking about eating ice cream and breads too. Thankfully, we don't have anything in the house that would be that bad if I ate it. I could binge and eat a lot, but it would be on apples, sugar free jolly ranchers, beef jerky etc.

I went so far as to look in the cupboard to see if we had the ingredients for spaghetti. Thankfully, while we had a variety of noodles, we didn't have sauce. Then, when we were at the grocery yesterday, I actually went down the pasta aisle. But my husband pulled me away from the sauce before I could put it in the cart. He's been so great. 

I can't figure out why I'm sitting here wanting cereal this morning for breakfast. Why do I want to cheat? Sure, it's not always easy, but the rewards have been awesome. I can say that I've lost over 30 pounds. I've been able to go down a size in my jeans. Some of my old shirts that used to be too tight fit okay now.

It's not temptation, because there's nothing here to tempt me. I want things we don't have. But my mind keeps telling me these are the things I want, that I won't be happy until I get them.

I know that if I were to eat ice cream or spaghetti that it would be yummy. And five minutes after eating it, I would feel awful. Guilty. I'd be mad at myself, mad for eating it, mad for giving in, for being weak.

I know all these things and yet, I still want the stupid spaghetti. I feel gross even feeling like this. Admitting it makes me feel like a fool. I was hoping that by putting this out there, that it would make me feel better. That I might overcome whatever this is. Or maybe at least understand it a little better.

Gala Apples

I have heard over and over again how good writing your food down can be. This visual exercise shows you how much you actually eat and what it all adds up to. I've been meaning to do it for awhile now, but I keep forgetting or putting it off. Whatever my excuse, it hasn't gotten done.

So this morning, I decided it was time to stop putting it off. It didn't matter that I didn't have a fancy notebook or excel spreadsheet to write it down in. I got a lined yellow notepad from the office supply closet at work (shhh....don't tell!) and started calculating breakfast.

I know breakfast is important blah blah blah, but I just can't make myself a huge plate of food in the morning. I usually eat an apple with a bottle of water. Sometimes, I have an atkins bar or an activia shake to go with it. I wanted to write down the calories and carbs of everything I eat. Since apples don't come with nutritional information on the side, I had to look it up online. I started at About.com's Calorie Count

In case you have trouble seeing that, it says 1 large gala apple has 22 carbs!!! I was shocked. I knew there would be some natural sugar in the apple. It's sweet. But I wasn't expecting 22 carbs. That's almost my daily allotment of carbs.

I love apples. I eat them daily. But now, I need to seriously rethink that. 22 carbs is a lot. I knew I needed to avoid grapes, raisins and bananas, but I thought apples were okay. I decided to get a second opinion. Sparkpeople.com says that apples have 9.5 carbs, but I couldn't find anything on gala apples specifically.

And here I've been avoiding strawberries, and Sparkpeople.com says they only have 5.8 carbs. Calorie Count says 11.7. I love fruit. I know a person is supposed to have several servings of fruit a day (I've seen 2 cups or 5 pieces), but how do you do that and avoid the carbs? Most, if not all, fruit have natural sugars.

I seriously have a lot to learn.

Jillian Wrap Up

I've finished taking the Jillian Michaels Jumpstart 14 Day Cleanse and Burn.

The two weeks on the cleanse were not that bad really. There were definitely some uncomfortable moments, but nothing too bad. The weight lost was totally worth it and I would definitely take it again.

Here's the breakdown:

Pre-Jillian: 293.2
Post-Jillian: 285.8
Weight Lost: 7.4
2010 Total Lost: 32.7

7.4 pounds in 2 weeks! I hadn't lost that much weight since I first started this new diet back in January. I lost 7 pounds my very first week. So it was such a nice surprise when I weighed in. I had felt like I was in a slump and this was just the thing I needed to get me motivated again.

Now the trick will be to keep myself motivated enough to lose weight without the drugs. Because while I was definitely successful, I don't think I will continue taking her products. Mostly because it's so expensive. I would never have bought this for myself, but my DH brought it home to me. He knew I was stuck and wanted to help, so when he found it on sale, he bought it. But I can't justify spending that much money every few weeks on myself when he's trying to lose weight as well. And we definitely can't afford to buy it for both of us.

So....yes, I would recommend it to others who might need a little boost, but as for me, I'm done with it for now and I'm very satisfied. =)

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. - Confucius

I wanted to direct any readers that might come by to Merry's blog today. She has a post called "I don't feel beautiful" that made me cry when I read it. I can relate to it that much. So go check it out. She says it much better than I ever could.