Celebrating a 50 Pound Loss...or Not.

My husband has lost 50 pounds.

Of course, I'm thrilled for him. I know he's worked hard to lose those pounds. But at the same time, it's really hard for me to accept. I'm still at the 30 pound loss mark. And the scale is barely moving these days. (I guess it could be worse. It could be going up.)

One of the biggest challenges I have with his loss is that I've never weighed more than he does. In our entire relationship, we've both been overweight and he has weighed more than I have. Not anymore. And I don't want to be one of those couples where the women is so much heavier than the man. People look at those couples and wonder where's the attraction.

Also, because he's doing such a good job, I feel even more guilt when I eat something that I know I shouldn't. I don't even want to eat around him anymore. It makes me feel ashamed.

I should have started this post by making it clear that my husband is NOT making me feel these things. He's NOT doing anything to indicate he feels bothered by my lack of weight loss. He's very supportive, as he's always been. These emotions are all in my head.

The question is...how do I get rid of them?

Summertime

This summer is not at all going according to plan. I'm so frustrated with myself these last 3 months. I've wasted precious time. Thankfully, I haven't gained much, only about 3 pounds and it's been fluctuating up and down. But I can't seem to get back on track.

I'm going on vacation in one month. There will be plenty of opportunities for swimming, boating, jet skies etc. And I have friends that I haven't seen in a year coming Labor Day weekend. I really wanted to have lost more weight by that time. But even if I start doing better today, there isn't enough time to lose as much as I could have in those 3 months.

I keep trying to remember how I finally got to the point where I curtailed my eating. But I can't seem to remember that mind set. I know exactly how I fell off the wagon. And I'm still dealing with some difficult emotions regarding the death of my goddaughter and my niece's birth, all in the same week.

My husband is still doing great. He hit his second goal and was able to go down a size, almost two, in his jeans.  Despite his good example, I'm still eating too much. It makes me feel gross when I see how much I'm eating compared to him. He doesn't do anything to make me feel that way, except sticking to his diet. I am still working out a couple times a week, so that helps. I've been lifting weights some too, trying to tone my arms. I'm just now starting to notice a difference, so that's good.

But I'm still angry with myself. Why do I treat myself this way? Why can't I eat less? Why do I let myself live this way? And how can I change it?

PS. I keep getting weird comments on my blogs, so unfortunately, I'm going to have to turn on comment moderation. I really don't want to do this, but after 10 or so comments on the last post, most of which I had to delete, I think it's time. Sorry about that!

June 2010 Weigh In

No weigh in this month. I haven't lost any weight. I am still where I was at the beginning of the month. June was a total waste of time. I'm so frustrated with myself; I don't even know what to say. I'm mad. Sometimes, I really just hate my life. I know that's horrible but sometimes, I just do. I wish things were different and I know it's up to me to change things, but I just don't know how.

A Major Phony

Sometimes, I feel like a big fat fake. Blogging about my weight loss journey has really helped me in the last 6 months or so, but sometimes, I just want to scream, don't look at me. I'm a complete loser and don't know what the heck I'm doing.

If I look back at my life, I can honestly say this is the first time I've REALLY tried to lose weight. I've given it half-assed efforts in the past, but they never amounted to much. And I've never really lost a significant amount of weight.

But now, I can say, I've lost 30 pounds! Yay! Go me! Not really.......

Sure, I have definitely changed my eating habits. I've cut out a substantial amount of sugar. And my DH and I are eating *mostly* low carb. But I'm BARELY exercising at all. So, I feel like major phony. I haven't had to work hard to lose those 30 pounds.

But I know that all of the weight isn't going to come off as easily. Do I have the strength to continue this journey if there's real effort required to make it happen? I have to ask myself why I don't work harder. I want to be healthier. I want to be thinner. I guess it boils down to laziness. It's easier to fail. Plus, I'm worried that I'll give it everything I have and still fail. Then, what do I do?

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. - Confucius

I wanted to direct any readers that might come by to Merry's blog today. She has a post called "I don't feel beautiful" that made me cry when I read it. I can relate to it that much. So go check it out. She says it much better than I ever could.