The Week of the Shower

It's only Tuesday and this week has already been extremely hectic. My sister-in-law's baby shower is Saturday and guess who's hosting? There really wasn't anyone else to do it and it would have been wrong not to step up and take care of everything for her. But it's really leaving me in a bad place.

My sister-in-law actually just got out of the hospital with some minor pregnancy complications so everyone has been either at the hospital or helping her and her husband out with various things. Because of that, I've had to do practically everything for the shower myself. Plus, my MIL has to work the morning of the shower so I have to set everything up myself. She'll arrive just in time for the start of the shower. I don't mind doing all this. Actually, it keeps me busy and my mind occupied.

What I do mind is the constant reminder that no one will ever do this for me. I'll never get soft, cuddly security blankets for my child or adorable onesies that say things like "Daddy's Girl." One of the worst moments was when my MIL showed me the gift she got for her daughter's delivery day. My MIL wears 3 tiny baby rings on a chain around her neck every single day, one for each of her children. So she got her daughter one just like it for her new baby. I could have wept right there.

I've been having lots of those moments.

Most generally, my DH is great when I'm struggling with stuff that's upsetting. But when dealing with this particular subject, he's not been very helpful. He's not been mean, but he just doesn't understand why her having a baby affects me the way it does. *sigh* No one really understands....

I just need to get through this week. Things will be easier after the shower is over. I won't have to worry about family members asking me the dreaded question, "So when are you going to have kids?"

A Tough Week

Today is a great day. After having a pretty crappy week, it is exactly what I needed to keep me going.

It all started last Saturday. We went out to dinner, despite my argument that it would be hard to avoid eating something yummy bad for me. We had plans the next day to go bowling with friends and then to Pizza Hut afterward. Their choice, not mine. So I didn't want to be bad Saturday night, when I knew Sunday was unavoidable. But we went, and my DH promised we would skip out on the pizza.

Then comes Sunday. "Do we have to skip Pizza Hut? Everyone else is going!" *sigh* So we go. And I have to say, it was some of the best pizza I've had in awhile. But I was so mad at myself for being talked into eating out twice.

Tuesday night rolls around and we have to do some shopping. We normally don't do this during the week, but our contractor needed something for the house, so a trip to Home Depot was necessary. We had a disagreement about the house on the way there, putting us both in bad moods. It was late by the time we were finished and I was still irritated so a sit down restaurant was out of the question. Instead, we got Chinese on the way home.

It was so yummy. And I didn't do too bad. Egg drop soup is okay, without the noodles. And moo-shu chicken just has cabbage, eggs, onions and scallions, so overall, the meal wasn't horrible. Plus, I put more than half of it in the fridge, which my husband later ate. But that's on him.

The Holidays

The holidays were hard this year. I'm kinda glad that they are over. I am looking forward to the new year. A fresh start, a new beginning.

Of course, it was nice to spend time with family, giving thanks and celebrating Christ. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas had moments of joy, of happiness. But during both moments of celebration, I felt feelings of jealousy and resentment. Anger and pain.

For Thanksgiving, my husband and I did most of the cooking. He made two turkeys and I made mashed potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes (which were a HUGE hit!), green bean casserole, 2 pies of dessert.... and more. We spent all day cooking and we were glad to do it. Many of the family thanked us and acknowledged our hard work.

But the most important part of the day, the blessing right before the meal, my husband's father thought it was appropriate to thank my SIL's husband for making him a grandfather and allowed him to ask the blessing, instead of my husband. Asking the blessing is kind of a big deal in a room packed full of strong Christians. We all saw clearly where his priorities are.

Then at Christmas, there were actually presents under the tree for the unborn baby that my SIL and her husband were told to open by proxy. I actually had to step outside to stop myself from hyperventilating.

I guess this wouldn't be so hard, if it wasn't so clear that my SIL felt that this baby has ended her life. She doesn't talk about the baby at all. She only points out how her life plans have been grinded to a halt. The baby is never referred to affectionately. It's "the kid." I'm actually concerned she's a prime candidate for postpartum depression.

So yeah, all those family get-togethers were hard to get through. And we have one more. Friday, we are all (close to 30 ppl) having lunch to celebrate 2 birthdays and the New Year. Another test. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I say something I'll regret. I'm praying for strength and peace to wash over me, to heal these wounds.

The Pain of Infertility

The last few weeks have been really tough on me. I've struggled with some severe bouts of depression. I've have a few crying fits that lasted long enough to give me a bad headache. I've been mad enough to scream. But let me tell it from the beginning.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now. We have a very good relationship and are happy. When we met, I told hubby that I was diagnosed with PCOS and that more than likely, I would have trouble conceiving a child. He was okay with this because he wasn't even sure at the time that he wanted kids and he was also very open to the idea of adoption.

As anyone does, I have friends that are also married. Two of these friends are my best friends. They have had 5 children between the two of them in the last 5 years. Both of these women got pregnant fairly early into their marriages. At the time, my husband and I weren't at the point where we were ready to discuss having a family. Still, when each pregnancy was announced, I couldn't help feeling fearsome that I would never know the joy they were experiencing.

Fast forward to earlier this year. My baby sister, who is not married, whom I've never been very close with, announced she was pregnant. I was devastated. She was so young (22) & she would be giving my mother her first grandchild. It wasn't fair. Then I felt ashamed. I should be happy for her. Why did it have to hurt so much?

Then this summer, my oldest cousin, my only cousin left that hadn't been pregnant, announced she was expecting a little one early next year. Both she and my sister are having little girls.

My sister lives in another state, so I didn't see her during the pregnancy. I did throw her a baby shower. I tried very hard to make it as nice as I could. I spent hundreds of dollars on the decorations & her gift. Guilt maybe? For having those feelings of jealousy. I got through the shower by thinking of the little things, like the food & the games, instead of focusing on the fact that it was a BABY shower.

I am still hurting because in 5 years of marriage, using no protection at any time, my husband and I have still not conceived. He doesn't want to start any adoption proceedings until we are in our own house, which will be sometime next year.

So, it has been a hard year. But all of my family live hours away, and I was able to take comfort in not seeing or talking to them every day. Then, at the beginning of October my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant as well.

This was a major oops for her and her husband. They did not want to have a child for several years. They are not in good shape financially, nor do they have health insurance. So they are stressed about the baby coming.

Her pregnancy is what has me so upset. Because it was definitely not a "blessing" for them. Because I have to see her mother and father glowing with the joy of being grandparents soon. Because everyone is talking about how exciting it is going to be. Treating her like a queen. It's so hard to be around the family right now.

I talked to my mother-in-law about it and we cried together. I felt better afterward. Right now, I'm trying not to think about it too much. The next milestone will be when they find out the sex of the baby. My husband and I both really want a girl. And so far, that seems to be going around.

Why does someone else's good news have to hurt so much?