Summertime

This summer is not at all going according to plan. I'm so frustrated with myself these last 3 months. I've wasted precious time. Thankfully, I haven't gained much, only about 3 pounds and it's been fluctuating up and down. But I can't seem to get back on track.

I'm going on vacation in one month. There will be plenty of opportunities for swimming, boating, jet skies etc. And I have friends that I haven't seen in a year coming Labor Day weekend. I really wanted to have lost more weight by that time. But even if I start doing better today, there isn't enough time to lose as much as I could have in those 3 months.

I keep trying to remember how I finally got to the point where I curtailed my eating. But I can't seem to remember that mind set. I know exactly how I fell off the wagon. And I'm still dealing with some difficult emotions regarding the death of my goddaughter and my niece's birth, all in the same week.

My husband is still doing great. He hit his second goal and was able to go down a size, almost two, in his jeans.  Despite his good example, I'm still eating too much. It makes me feel gross when I see how much I'm eating compared to him. He doesn't do anything to make me feel that way, except sticking to his diet. I am still working out a couple times a week, so that helps. I've been lifting weights some too, trying to tone my arms. I'm just now starting to notice a difference, so that's good.

But I'm still angry with myself. Why do I treat myself this way? Why can't I eat less? Why do I let myself live this way? And how can I change it?

PS. I keep getting weird comments on my blogs, so unfortunately, I'm going to have to turn on comment moderation. I really don't want to do this, but after 10 or so comments on the last post, most of which I had to delete, I think it's time. Sorry about that!

A Major Phony

Sometimes, I feel like a big fat fake. Blogging about my weight loss journey has really helped me in the last 6 months or so, but sometimes, I just want to scream, don't look at me. I'm a complete loser and don't know what the heck I'm doing.

If I look back at my life, I can honestly say this is the first time I've REALLY tried to lose weight. I've given it half-assed efforts in the past, but they never amounted to much. And I've never really lost a significant amount of weight.

But now, I can say, I've lost 30 pounds! Yay! Go me! Not really.......

Sure, I have definitely changed my eating habits. I've cut out a substantial amount of sugar. And my DH and I are eating *mostly* low carb. But I'm BARELY exercising at all. So, I feel like major phony. I haven't had to work hard to lose those 30 pounds.

But I know that all of the weight isn't going to come off as easily. Do I have the strength to continue this journey if there's real effort required to make it happen? I have to ask myself why I don't work harder. I want to be healthier. I want to be thinner. I guess it boils down to laziness. It's easier to fail. Plus, I'm worried that I'll give it everything I have and still fail. Then, what do I do?

Brief Hiatus

In case you've missed it, there's a new post on my other blog which will fill you in on why I haven't been around the last few days. And why it will be difficult for me to be around for the next few days as well.

But I am trying my best to stay "on the wagon." I've been very aware of what I've been eating. I'm tracking my food daily. And I'm listening to Dr. Colbert's audio book when I get the chance.

I think if I can continue to eat healthy through this ordeal than it will prove how dedicated I am to changing my life. If anything good can come out of this, there's that.

Be back soon.

New Changes

I've made a couple of changes in the last few days. Minor changes that I hope will aid me.

First, and I think most importantly, I've started tracking my food. Right now, I'm using Spark People and My Fitness Pal. Eventually, I'll narrow it down to one or the other, but I wasn't sure which site I wanted to use, so I'm giving them both a try. It's my understanding that Spark People has been around longer, and so probably has better tools and a larger index of food. But I'm finding My Fitness Pal easier to use. There's also Calorie Count, which I've used in the past to track my weight. But I haven't actually entered any foods into their website before. It might be worth a try.

Second, I've started listening to Dr. Colbert's "I Can Do This Diet" on audio.

After the encouragement of a few fellow bloggers, and my mother-in-law, I thought he might have beneficial information to share. I've just started the book, so I haven't gotten any really good points out of it yet, but I'm sure they are in there.

Last week was a bad week. But I'm not going to let it get me down. I've worked hard this year and I'm not ready to give up yet. I think keeping this blog has really helped. I know getting feedback and encouragement from readers makes me feel awesome. Thank you all so much! 

Pieces of Me

I don't know if this is the right choice or not, but for now, I've decided to keep 2 blogs - this blog, which will primarily focus on weight loss and infertility and Pieces of Me - which will deal with anything else I might want to talk about, like crafting and whatnot. There are now links on the top of both blogs that will direct you to the other for easy browsing. =) You can visit Pieces of Me today for a new post on the shower aftermath.

New Look

In celebration of hitting my first mini-goal, I decided to spruce things up around here. I really like the new look! I don't know what's with me lately. I hate birds! But this background is just so cute. But I wouldn't get too used to it. I love changing my blog template. I've already got a few ideas in mind! Wish it was that easy to change my appearance.

A New Decade...A New Lifestyle

And so begins another year, filled with new hope, new goals & new determination. Like most people, I feel the urge to make resolutions & also like the majority, I fail to meet those resolutions. So with success in mind, I am making a list of goals for this year.

1. Eat healthier. More specifically, to eat a low carb diet. Abstain from soda & drink mostly water.
2. Blog more often. Blogging is so therapeutic for me. I don't know why I don't write more often. I'm sure the lack of feedback has a lot to do with it. But I need to accept that I'm writing for myself & not for anyone else.
3. Read at least 3 chapters in the Bible each day so I can finish it in 1 year. I'm ahead of schedule on this goal!
4. Go back to school and finish my degree. I've already reapplied. Now I need to get started on the FAFSA paperwork and sit down with an advisor.
5. Begin researching adoption & find out what our options are. I'm still having trouble coming to grips with the fact that I will most likely never have my own children. Years ago, when I was first told the news, it didn't bother me much. But now that I'm married & all of my friends have babies, I realize what I'm missing out on.

My husband & I have started a low carb diet as of Jan. 2. So far, we've done really great. I'm trying not to focus too much on weight loss. Yes, of course, I want to lose weight. But first & foremost, I need to get my sugar issues under control. I'm going to stop the weekly weigh-ins because that is obviously not helping. I've fluctuated between a 10 pound range the entire year. I think it would be better to keep the weigh-ins on a monthly schedule. Hopefully, I will see great change, but my focus will be on getting healthier.

Thanksgiving Results

I just updated my weekend weigh-ins. I missed the first two weekends in November. I actually did weigh in, but then I forgot to update the blog with the info. And now, I can't remember what it was. I keep fluctuating so much between 314 & 316 that I get confused.

I am happy to report that I was down to 310.5 the weekend before Thanksgiving! I was so thrilled when I hopped onto the scale. It doesn't look like I'll be under 300 by the end of the year, but I was still pleased. Then of course, Thanksgiving came and went. I didn't want to restrict myself too much because I knew it would cost me in the end. So I ate what I want, but just smaller portions.

I actually only had one plate of food on Thanksgiving day and I threw half of it away! I can't say the same thing about dessert, but I still did better this year than last. After the holiday I weighed in at 312. So that's a 1.5 gain after turkey day. I'm hoping that it will be gone again after this week.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I really do want to get my eating under control. I'm experiencing more and more symptoms from the diabetes and I really don't like it. I need to make more changes in my life. Posting here more often is one of the things I want to work on. It helps me to focus on the good things and see where I need to imporove. I look at those weigh-ins and think about how much time I've wasted. I don't want this cycle to continue.

Losing Little Pieces of Me

I felt like I should explain why I named my blog Losing Little Pieces of Me. There are actually 2 reasons.

1. This first one is obvious. I want to lose weight. I want to lose the double chin and the thunder thighs. The second belly roll and the upper arm flab also need to go. These "pieces" of me need to hit the road and hightail it outta here.

2. This next one isn't so obvious, but I think you just might understand it. I'm fat. But I'm also a woman. A married woman. A daughter. A sister. A friend. An employee and a coworker. These identities are all a part of the whole that make up who I am. But the fat part of me is taking over the other pieces of me. I'm losing myself to my weight.

Let me explain. I don't like to go anywhere because I'm embarrassed to always be the heaviest person there. This effects my relationships with family members and friends, even coworkers! I can't do all the fun things I want to do, like going to amusement parks. Swimming is a huge favorite of mine, but I don't want to do it around anyone else because Heaven forbid, they see me in a swim suit.

My weight limits the fun I can have in life. I've traded in all these great activities and events for food. For over-indulging myself. For not being able to say no. I'm losing pieces of who I really want to be. I'm trading in this fun, social girl for an extra cupcake and a second helping of pasta.

I need to stop before I lose my other identities and all I am is the fat girl.

Questions Asked

First, the good news. Let me just say how excited I was today to be mentioned on The Fat Girl's Guide to Living! Thank you Tee! I've been reading their blog for awhile now and I absolutely love it. If you haven't done so, you MUST check it out.

Now, the bad news. Dreadful is more like it. Saturday marked my 11th week recording my weight on this blog. When I started, I was at 311 pounds. I was at a high point in this struggle. My best friend and I had just have a long conversation and we vowed we would help each other get healthy. This would be marked by weekly weigh-ins and phone calls to report the news to each other.

*Side Note* She lives more than 6 hours away, in our home town. Phone calls are all the we have.

Her participation didn't last very long. I totally understand. She has 2 kids and a very busy schedule. But I don't have those excuses. I only work 35 hours a week. And I still wanted this to be my time to shine.

I had set a little goal in my head that ends this weekend. I am going home for a short visit over the Labor Day holiday. I am going to see my friend and I had hoped we would be celebrating our weight loss victories together. Instead, I am up 6.5 pounds.

I have to ask myself why. Why could I not lose 11 pounds in 11 weeks? Surely a pound a week isn't difficult to lose, not for someone my size. It seems like I do a better job at losing weight or at least maintaining my weight when I'm not focused on dieting or exercise.

But every time I try to restrict myself, even the slightest amount, I end up sabotaging my plans. Why am I not ready for this to happen? Why can't I get motivated to lose weight? Just how far down do I have to get before I reach the bottom? I thought I was ready to start picking myself up out of this fat hole of depression and get on with my life. Why am I doing this to myself?!?!

And more importantly, how do I stop?