June 2010 Weigh In

No weigh in this month. I haven't lost any weight. I am still where I was at the beginning of the month. June was a total waste of time. I'm so frustrated with myself; I don't even know what to say. I'm mad. Sometimes, I really just hate my life. I know that's horrible but sometimes, I just do. I wish things were different and I know it's up to me to change things, but I just don't know how.

May 2010 Recap

As I stated in my last post, May did not go at all according to plan. I know that was mostly my fault and I accept the consequences of my actions. Sure, I feel bad about it and I'm kicking myself. I'm angry. But really, there's nothing I can do about the time that's past.

Instead, I'm focusing on the future. June will be better than May! I will it to be so. I've already started getting back to my good habits. I don't feel like I'm starting completely over, but almost.

May did teach me one lesson. I can maintain my current weight with little effort, which to me is excellent news. I didn't want to find out that I had gained those 30 pounds back. I was anxious about stepping on the scale after those first few bad weeks. But the numbers weren't as scary as I thought. And after a little work, I managed to end up just about where I started the month at. 

April Recap

This is going to be short and sweet, but I didn't want to skip my monthly recap post. I'm still sorting through a lot of emotions right now. Honestly, I don't know how to make myself feel better. My husband says I have to force myself to focus on the good things. But that seems so false. I don't want to pretend I'm happy just for the sake of other people. But I don't want to keep being miserable either....

At my lowest point in April, I weighed 285.8. That was right after finishing the Jillian Michael's Jumpstart 14 Day Cleanse and Burn. Since then, I've put on a little bit of weight. That's no surprise. While I was at the hospital last week, I had McDonald's twice. It was either that or expensive hospital food that didn't taste good, or go hungry. Maybe I made the wrong choice, but it's done now. 

I also allowed myself one guilt-free crash meal. Saturday night, after spending all day at the hospital, we ate at O'Charley's. Talk about emotional eating. I had bread and pasta. My body was calling for it. And I caved.

Jillian Wrap Up

I've finished taking the Jillian Michaels Jumpstart 14 Day Cleanse and Burn.

The two weeks on the cleanse were not that bad really. There were definitely some uncomfortable moments, but nothing too bad. The weight lost was totally worth it and I would definitely take it again.

Here's the breakdown:

Pre-Jillian: 293.2
Post-Jillian: 285.8
Weight Lost: 7.4
2010 Total Lost: 32.7

7.4 pounds in 2 weeks! I hadn't lost that much weight since I first started this new diet back in January. I lost 7 pounds my very first week. So it was such a nice surprise when I weighed in. I had felt like I was in a slump and this was just the thing I needed to get me motivated again.

Now the trick will be to keep myself motivated enough to lose weight without the drugs. Because while I was definitely successful, I don't think I will continue taking her products. Mostly because it's so expensive. I would never have bought this for myself, but my DH brought it home to me. He knew I was stuck and wanted to help, so when he found it on sale, he bought it. But I can't justify spending that much money every few weeks on myself when he's trying to lose weight as well. And we definitely can't afford to buy it for both of us.

So....yes, I would recommend it to others who might need a little boost, but as for me, I'm done with it for now and I'm very satisfied. =)

March Recap

If you would have asked me yesterday morning what the theme of my March recap post was going to be, I would have told you it was FAILURE!  It was a lousy month. I ate out a whole bunch. I had some emotional stuff to deal with and we went on vacation.

Before vacation, I made sure to weigh myself, so when we got back, I could know just how much weight I'd gained. Great positive thinking, right?  But I didn't want to fool myself. Sure, we were going to be doing a lot of walking. But, eating out every meal makes it hard to stick to plan.

I didn't even come close to sticking to a low carb diet on our vacation. I had french toast one morning! Oh, but it was the best french toast ever! It was at Flapjacks (never been there before) and it was cinnamon and apple french toast. Oh my goodness.....heaven on a plate! Not to mention the sweet potato with brown sugar butter on it that I got on 2 different nights. Whoops!

I'm glad that we had such a good time on our trip. And it was nice not worrying about every little calorie for a few days. So I was willing to pay the price when we got back home. But I couldn't. When we got back, we found our scale had died. Assuming it was just the battery since it had never been replaced, we bought a new one at the store and brought it home to find it wasn't just the battery. That was a bummer. I liked that scale and we haven't had it all that long.

The trouble with the scale delayed my after trip weigh-in and I couldn't have been happier! I didn't have to see that high number. I was actually afraid that I was back in the 300's. I shudder to think about gaining that much weight! Yesterday afternoon, we got a new scale and I couldn't put the weigh-in off any longer. So this morning I stepped on the new scale for the first time and was thrilled with the results!

February 2010 Weigh In

To continue yesterday's post....

Despite the horrid week, when I stepped on the scale, the number read 298.5!

So for the month of February, I lost about 8 pounds. Which is good, but not as good as January, when I lost 12 pounds. But a total loss of 20 pounds is awesome! I'm so happy. I'm finally starting to notice the weight coming off; my jeans are starting to feel looser.

I think this is the first time I've been under 300 for over 2 years. So, it's a major accomplishment. My DH reached his first mini-goal as well, so we're going to celebrate by buying books from Amazon!

Month #1 Jan 2010 In Review

It's been a month of living a low carb lifestyle. I've had some ups and downs, some good days and bad days. Which is not all that surprising. Overall, I'm happy with myself. I made a lot of changes in just one month's time.

We didn't follow any one diet. Nor did we completely eliminate all sugars or carbs. On average, I would say that we stuck to around 25-30 carbs per day. I didn't count calories. And I didn't exercise at all. (Is this even a weight loss blog?!?!)

What I did do is drastically change my eating habits. I started eating mostly low carb foods and no sugar snacks. I stopped drinking pepsi and started drinking lots of water. I tried to eat 3 balanced meals most of the time. And I only let myself splurge a few times this month. Once, I've already mentioned in a previous post and another time when my husband went out of town, I had pizza one night for supper.

So where do the numbers stand?

Jan. 1:  318.5
Feb. 1: 306.5
Difference: -12

I'm happy to have lost 12 pounds. But I'm also disappointed because if you remember, I lost 7 of those pounds the first week. So....if that trend had continued, I would have lost 28 pounds this month. As time went by, the diet got more difficult and I let myself have larger portions.

In February, I need to work on adding some exercise, because I won't continue to lose weight every week, simply by changing my diet. I need to have some kind of routine. Also, I would like to count calories. I've read several blogs that have had great success, not by following a diet, but by just counting calories. Keeping a food log would be a great help to meeting this goal.

So there you have it. One month gone and 12 pounds gone. Hopefully, forever!

A Tiny Confession

Okay, I have a tiny confession to make.

I know I said I was going to wait one month before weighing in again. I just couldn't. I was trying so hard to be good. But I needed to know if the major changes I was making to my lifestyle were having any effect.

And guess what? They are!

After one week, I lost 7 pounds! Now, of course, I know that some of that was surely water weight and not really a loss. However, I weighed myself properly, on the same day of the week, around the same time, wearing the exact same thing. And the number came out the same 3 times in a row. So! I'm excited.

I've also noticed some other things changing with my body. For one thing, with the PCOS, I have never had a regular menstrual cycle. Doctors have told me that a cycle can be triggered by even the smallest weight loss. So guess what made an appearance last week as well?

Not to mention that I just feel better. I feel better about myself for eating healthy, for making changes in my life that will impact who I am for years to come.

A New Decade...A New Lifestyle

And so begins another year, filled with new hope, new goals & new determination. Like most people, I feel the urge to make resolutions & also like the majority, I fail to meet those resolutions. So with success in mind, I am making a list of goals for this year.

1. Eat healthier. More specifically, to eat a low carb diet. Abstain from soda & drink mostly water.
2. Blog more often. Blogging is so therapeutic for me. I don't know why I don't write more often. I'm sure the lack of feedback has a lot to do with it. But I need to accept that I'm writing for myself & not for anyone else.
3. Read at least 3 chapters in the Bible each day so I can finish it in 1 year. I'm ahead of schedule on this goal!
4. Go back to school and finish my degree. I've already reapplied. Now I need to get started on the FAFSA paperwork and sit down with an advisor.
5. Begin researching adoption & find out what our options are. I'm still having trouble coming to grips with the fact that I will most likely never have my own children. Years ago, when I was first told the news, it didn't bother me much. But now that I'm married & all of my friends have babies, I realize what I'm missing out on.

My husband & I have started a low carb diet as of Jan. 2. So far, we've done really great. I'm trying not to focus too much on weight loss. Yes, of course, I want to lose weight. But first & foremost, I need to get my sugar issues under control. I'm going to stop the weekly weigh-ins because that is obviously not helping. I've fluctuated between a 10 pound range the entire year. I think it would be better to keep the weigh-ins on a monthly schedule. Hopefully, I will see great change, but my focus will be on getting healthier.

2010 Monthly Weigh-Ins

From now now, the weekly weigh-ins will move to a monthly schedule.

January 2, 2010

318.5

Thanksgiving Results

I just updated my weekend weigh-ins. I missed the first two weekends in November. I actually did weigh in, but then I forgot to update the blog with the info. And now, I can't remember what it was. I keep fluctuating so much between 314 & 316 that I get confused.

I am happy to report that I was down to 310.5 the weekend before Thanksgiving! I was so thrilled when I hopped onto the scale. It doesn't look like I'll be under 300 by the end of the year, but I was still pleased. Then of course, Thanksgiving came and went. I didn't want to restrict myself too much because I knew it would cost me in the end. So I ate what I want, but just smaller portions.

I actually only had one plate of food on Thanksgiving day and I threw half of it away! I can't say the same thing about dessert, but I still did better this year than last. After the holiday I weighed in at 312. So that's a 1.5 gain after turkey day. I'm hoping that it will be gone again after this week.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I really do want to get my eating under control. I'm experiencing more and more symptoms from the diabetes and I really don't like it. I need to make more changes in my life. Posting here more often is one of the things I want to work on. It helps me to focus on the good things and see where I need to imporove. I look at those weigh-ins and think about how much time I've wasted. I don't want this cycle to continue.

Emotional Eating

During the first week after I found out about my sister-in-law's pregnancy, I was a wreck. Crying all the time. And of course eating all the time too. It was reflected in my weight. I jumped from 315 to 318, then 319. Finally, as I was starting to feel a little better last week, my weight dropped back down to 315.

I need to do better than this. I would love to be under 300 by the end of the year. I should be after 17 weeks, but I've done nothing but maintain. This cycle has got to end.

I'm worried about the holiday season. This is heaviest I've ever been in my life. I don't want to see the scale go over 320. I need to have more self-control.

I need to sit down and spend some time looking at the food I eat. Planning meals ahead of time would really help. Also outlining some exercise goals would be helpful.

I see a pattern in this post. I need. I need. I need. I need to stop thinking and start doing.

A Small Victory

Woo Hoo! I knew being sick would help!

I'm down 2.5 pounds this week. And what's better is that I know my scale is accurate because I was weighed at the doctor's yesterday. I was fully clothed at the time and was 2 pounds more than my scale at home says. And since I'm still sick, I might just drop another pound or two before it's all said and done.

I'm way to happy about this. I didn't earn this drop. And I won't keep it off if I don't change my habits. I know this. But I'm still celebrating like it's a victory.

Even though I went to the doctor's for a cold, he still managed to bring my weight up. "You need to exercise." Because 15 minutes a day, 6 days a week will help me drop the 150 pounds I need to lose. Hello?!?! Read the chart. I have PCOS. It's extremely frustrating when I do exercise and watch what I eat and then see no change.

I do need to come to grips with this though. Two years ago, I was told I'm prediabetic. I know it's gotten worse since then. I can feel my blood sugar drop from time to time. I've taken to carrying a small snack with me just in case. I need to figure out what needs to be done to manage this disease. If you're got any pointers, I'd love to hear it.

Questions Asked

First, the good news. Let me just say how excited I was today to be mentioned on The Fat Girl's Guide to Living! Thank you Tee! I've been reading their blog for awhile now and I absolutely love it. If you haven't done so, you MUST check it out.

Now, the bad news. Dreadful is more like it. Saturday marked my 11th week recording my weight on this blog. When I started, I was at 311 pounds. I was at a high point in this struggle. My best friend and I had just have a long conversation and we vowed we would help each other get healthy. This would be marked by weekly weigh-ins and phone calls to report the news to each other.

*Side Note* She lives more than 6 hours away, in our home town. Phone calls are all the we have.

Her participation didn't last very long. I totally understand. She has 2 kids and a very busy schedule. But I don't have those excuses. I only work 35 hours a week. And I still wanted this to be my time to shine.

I had set a little goal in my head that ends this weekend. I am going home for a short visit over the Labor Day holiday. I am going to see my friend and I had hoped we would be celebrating our weight loss victories together. Instead, I am up 6.5 pounds.

I have to ask myself why. Why could I not lose 11 pounds in 11 weeks? Surely a pound a week isn't difficult to lose, not for someone my size. It seems like I do a better job at losing weight or at least maintaining my weight when I'm not focused on dieting or exercise.

But every time I try to restrict myself, even the slightest amount, I end up sabotaging my plans. Why am I not ready for this to happen? Why can't I get motivated to lose weight? Just how far down do I have to get before I reach the bottom? I thought I was ready to start picking myself up out of this fat hole of depression and get on with my life. Why am I doing this to myself?!?!

And more importantly, how do I stop?

A two pound loss......what?!?!

I don't deserve the two pound lost I reported for last week. I didn't exercise. I didn't eat right. I didn't do anything that was good for me.

I seriously don't know how I still managed a loss. Maybe I didn't do anything overly wrong that would create a gain.

Basically, I'm maintaining. I've been in this same weight range for a long time now. Over a year or more, I think.

But I don't want to maintain. I want to LOSE! I need to start exercising and stop eating junk food at work. These are my two biggest obstacles.

On another note, my friend and I are no longer calling each other every weekend. We never really got started. It only lasted like 2 weeks. So there goes that support system. But it's so hard when she's 6 hours away. We can't work out together like we used to anymore.

I'm all alone in this.

Weekend Weigh-In

I hate this fluctuation! Up and down, then repeat!

I know what I'm doing wrong. I just don't know why I can't force myself to change my ways. Something in my mind is not right. I know eating food from the snack bar at work is bad for me, yet every day, I do it anyway. I know getting seconds will make me feel awful later, but I do it anyway. I know playing on the computer instead of exercising is being lazy, but I do it anyway.

Is there a drug or vitamin or something out there that can change the way a person thinks? Something that can force me to take better care of myself? Because apparently, I can't do it of my own accord.

What's wrong with me?

Weekly Weigh Ins

Week 1
6/20 - 311
Week 2
6/27 - 316 (+5)
Week 3
7/4 - 313 (-3)
Week 4
7/11 - 316.5 (+3.5)
Week 5
7/18 - 315 (-1.5)
Week 6
7/25 - 313 (-2)
Week 7
8/1 - 315.5 (+2.5)
Week 8
8/8 - 314.5 (-1)
Week 9
8/15 - 316 (+2)
Week 10
8/22 - 315.5 (-.5)
Week 11
8/29 - 317.5 (+2)
Week 11
9/05 - 316.5 (-1)
Week 12
9/12 - 314 (-2.5)
Week 13
9/19 - 315 (+1)
Week 14
9/26 - 315 (0)
Week 15
10/3 - 318 (+3)
Week 16
10/10 - 319 (+1)
Week 17
10/3 - 315 (-4)
Week 18
10/10 - forgot to weigh in
Week 19
10/17 - 315 (no change from two weeks prior)
Week 20
10/24 - 315.5 (+.5)
Week 21
10/31 - 314.5 (-1)
Week 24
11/21 - 310.5 (-4)
Week 25
11/28 - 312 (+1.5