Celebrating a 50 Pound Loss...or Not.

My husband has lost 50 pounds.

Of course, I'm thrilled for him. I know he's worked hard to lose those pounds. But at the same time, it's really hard for me to accept. I'm still at the 30 pound loss mark. And the scale is barely moving these days. (I guess it could be worse. It could be going up.)

One of the biggest challenges I have with his loss is that I've never weighed more than he does. In our entire relationship, we've both been overweight and he has weighed more than I have. Not anymore. And I don't want to be one of those couples where the women is so much heavier than the man. People look at those couples and wonder where's the attraction.

Also, because he's doing such a good job, I feel even more guilt when I eat something that I know I shouldn't. I don't even want to eat around him anymore. It makes me feel ashamed.

I should have started this post by making it clear that my husband is NOT making me feel these things. He's NOT doing anything to indicate he feels bothered by my lack of weight loss. He's very supportive, as he's always been. These emotions are all in my head.

The question is...how do I get rid of them?

Recapping August

I can't believe I didn't post at all in August. It was a busy month for us. Work was hectic. We went on vacation. Plus, we've got some other stuff going on that I'd rather not talk about at the moment.

To be honest, not much has changed with me. I'm still hovering around the same weight. I actually lost 4 pounds on vacation. Wow! Not sure how I did that with all the eating that was had. But we did do a LOT of walking. So, I guess that just off-set the yummy food I consumed.

I did buy a new swimsuit from Swimsuits Just for Us and I was very pleased with how it looked on me. It was a two piece shortini. The colors are a little off in the picture and I was thrilled with the difference. It has more turquoise in it, which I LOVED. I probably could have ordered the next size down because the top was a bit large. The straps are adjustable, but not enough. So I'm going to shorten them myself and then sew it back together. Shouldn't be too hard.

I went swimming twice and went in the lazy river. I didn't even feel that self-conscious about it. I was proud of myself. I looked around at all the people there and realized no one had a perfect body. And nobody was looking at me either. We were all too concerned with ourselves to worry about what anyone else was up to. That really allowed me to have more fun, which was nice.

I'd like to say I'll do better in September and I'm sure going to try. Truly I don't know what the future holds for me. But I'm doing my best to keep a positive attitude about it.

Water Fun

I mentioned on my last post that I'll be going on vacation in August. We're heading to a resort that has tons of opportunities for water sports. My husband can't wait to try the jet skies. I love to swim. And we're planning on renting a boat one day as well.

But I'm so self-conscious that I don't always have much fun when it comes to summertime. I spend most of my time indoors instead of in the water where I'd rather be. I wish I felt differently. I wish I was as empowered as some of the women commenting on this post, which couldn't have come at a better time for me.

I just don't feel comfortable with my body. I'm embarrassed. And I feel like everyone stares at the fat girl. That's why I love The Fat Girl's Guide to Living blog. They've covered some topics that I've always wondered about. Like going to an amusement or water park, riding a horse or a bicycle. Can I do it? The resort we're staying at has a weight limit of 260 for the horseback riding, so in this case, the answer is no.

Even with their encouragement, I still can't get over my self-consciousness. It seems prideful really, to think that everyone is paying attention to me when they have better things to do, i.e. have fun! In the rational part of my brain, I know that everyone has their own worries about their bodies and they're not paying me any attention. The irrational part of my brain has control though.

Reading the posts on the FGG do make me feel better about myself, especially while reading them, but I still haven't figured out how to adapt their advice to the real world.

Brief Hiatus

In case you've missed it, there's a new post on my other blog which will fill you in on why I haven't been around the last few days. And why it will be difficult for me to be around for the next few days as well.

But I am trying my best to stay "on the wagon." I've been very aware of what I've been eating. I'm tracking my food daily. And I'm listening to Dr. Colbert's audio book when I get the chance.

I think if I can continue to eat healthy through this ordeal than it will prove how dedicated I am to changing my life. If anything good can come out of this, there's that.

Be back soon.

The Week of the Shower

It's only Tuesday and this week has already been extremely hectic. My sister-in-law's baby shower is Saturday and guess who's hosting? There really wasn't anyone else to do it and it would have been wrong not to step up and take care of everything for her. But it's really leaving me in a bad place.

My sister-in-law actually just got out of the hospital with some minor pregnancy complications so everyone has been either at the hospital or helping her and her husband out with various things. Because of that, I've had to do practically everything for the shower myself. Plus, my MIL has to work the morning of the shower so I have to set everything up myself. She'll arrive just in time for the start of the shower. I don't mind doing all this. Actually, it keeps me busy and my mind occupied.

What I do mind is the constant reminder that no one will ever do this for me. I'll never get soft, cuddly security blankets for my child or adorable onesies that say things like "Daddy's Girl." One of the worst moments was when my MIL showed me the gift she got for her daughter's delivery day. My MIL wears 3 tiny baby rings on a chain around her neck every single day, one for each of her children. So she got her daughter one just like it for her new baby. I could have wept right there.

I've been having lots of those moments.

Most generally, my DH is great when I'm struggling with stuff that's upsetting. But when dealing with this particular subject, he's not been very helpful. He's not been mean, but he just doesn't understand why her having a baby affects me the way it does. *sigh* No one really understands....

I just need to get through this week. Things will be easier after the shower is over. I won't have to worry about family members asking me the dreaded question, "So when are you going to have kids?"

A Tough Week

Today is a great day. After having a pretty crappy week, it is exactly what I needed to keep me going.

It all started last Saturday. We went out to dinner, despite my argument that it would be hard to avoid eating something yummy bad for me. We had plans the next day to go bowling with friends and then to Pizza Hut afterward. Their choice, not mine. So I didn't want to be bad Saturday night, when I knew Sunday was unavoidable. But we went, and my DH promised we would skip out on the pizza.

Then comes Sunday. "Do we have to skip Pizza Hut? Everyone else is going!" *sigh* So we go. And I have to say, it was some of the best pizza I've had in awhile. But I was so mad at myself for being talked into eating out twice.

Tuesday night rolls around and we have to do some shopping. We normally don't do this during the week, but our contractor needed something for the house, so a trip to Home Depot was necessary. We had a disagreement about the house on the way there, putting us both in bad moods. It was late by the time we were finished and I was still irritated so a sit down restaurant was out of the question. Instead, we got Chinese on the way home.

It was so yummy. And I didn't do too bad. Egg drop soup is okay, without the noodles. And moo-shu chicken just has cabbage, eggs, onions and scallions, so overall, the meal wasn't horrible. Plus, I put more than half of it in the fridge, which my husband later ate. But that's on him.

The Holidays

The holidays were hard this year. I'm kinda glad that they are over. I am looking forward to the new year. A fresh start, a new beginning.

Of course, it was nice to spend time with family, giving thanks and celebrating Christ. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas had moments of joy, of happiness. But during both moments of celebration, I felt feelings of jealousy and resentment. Anger and pain.

For Thanksgiving, my husband and I did most of the cooking. He made two turkeys and I made mashed potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes (which were a HUGE hit!), green bean casserole, 2 pies of dessert.... and more. We spent all day cooking and we were glad to do it. Many of the family thanked us and acknowledged our hard work.

But the most important part of the day, the blessing right before the meal, my husband's father thought it was appropriate to thank my SIL's husband for making him a grandfather and allowed him to ask the blessing, instead of my husband. Asking the blessing is kind of a big deal in a room packed full of strong Christians. We all saw clearly where his priorities are.

Then at Christmas, there were actually presents under the tree for the unborn baby that my SIL and her husband were told to open by proxy. I actually had to step outside to stop myself from hyperventilating.

I guess this wouldn't be so hard, if it wasn't so clear that my SIL felt that this baby has ended her life. She doesn't talk about the baby at all. She only points out how her life plans have been grinded to a halt. The baby is never referred to affectionately. It's "the kid." I'm actually concerned she's a prime candidate for postpartum depression.

So yeah, all those family get-togethers were hard to get through. And we have one more. Friday, we are all (close to 30 ppl) having lunch to celebrate 2 birthdays and the New Year. Another test. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I say something I'll regret. I'm praying for strength and peace to wash over me, to heal these wounds.

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

I had a major meltdown this morning. And I have no one to talk to about it. That's part of the problem.

Last night, my husband and I went to my in-laws to announce some major news. Instead of having everyone's full attention though, the only person that even bothered to listen and talk to us was his mother. Instead, hubby's father and brother-in-law felt it was appropriate to begin discussing computer parts in the middle of our conversation.

It hurt me and my husband that they didn't even pretend to care. He was announcing that his MRI came back clean and he didn't have a tumor in his ear, as we previously believed. Major news, right? But instead, they all acted like we were discussing the weather.

It's one thing for me to feel like an outsider in his family. He shouldn't. But we constantly feel like we're in second place in a some race for his parent's affections. And with the birth announcement in October, we're way behind. I, of course, want to say something about it, but my husband is too level-headed for that. He doesn't want to cause any trouble in the family.

I have never felt like I fit in with his family. I'm practically estranged from my crazy family and I haven't made any friends since I've moved here. I'm friendly with people that my husband is friends with. But I haven't found a good, close girlfriend that I can talk to. I miss that so much.

I just feel so lonely.

Emotional Eating

During the first week after I found out about my sister-in-law's pregnancy, I was a wreck. Crying all the time. And of course eating all the time too. It was reflected in my weight. I jumped from 315 to 318, then 319. Finally, as I was starting to feel a little better last week, my weight dropped back down to 315.

I need to do better than this. I would love to be under 300 by the end of the year. I should be after 17 weeks, but I've done nothing but maintain. This cycle has got to end.

I'm worried about the holiday season. This is heaviest I've ever been in my life. I don't want to see the scale go over 320. I need to have more self-control.

I need to sit down and spend some time looking at the food I eat. Planning meals ahead of time would really help. Also outlining some exercise goals would be helpful.

I see a pattern in this post. I need. I need. I need. I need to stop thinking and start doing.

The Pain of Infertility

The last few weeks have been really tough on me. I've struggled with some severe bouts of depression. I've have a few crying fits that lasted long enough to give me a bad headache. I've been mad enough to scream. But let me tell it from the beginning.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now. We have a very good relationship and are happy. When we met, I told hubby that I was diagnosed with PCOS and that more than likely, I would have trouble conceiving a child. He was okay with this because he wasn't even sure at the time that he wanted kids and he was also very open to the idea of adoption.

As anyone does, I have friends that are also married. Two of these friends are my best friends. They have had 5 children between the two of them in the last 5 years. Both of these women got pregnant fairly early into their marriages. At the time, my husband and I weren't at the point where we were ready to discuss having a family. Still, when each pregnancy was announced, I couldn't help feeling fearsome that I would never know the joy they were experiencing.

Fast forward to earlier this year. My baby sister, who is not married, whom I've never been very close with, announced she was pregnant. I was devastated. She was so young (22) & she would be giving my mother her first grandchild. It wasn't fair. Then I felt ashamed. I should be happy for her. Why did it have to hurt so much?

Then this summer, my oldest cousin, my only cousin left that hadn't been pregnant, announced she was expecting a little one early next year. Both she and my sister are having little girls.

My sister lives in another state, so I didn't see her during the pregnancy. I did throw her a baby shower. I tried very hard to make it as nice as I could. I spent hundreds of dollars on the decorations & her gift. Guilt maybe? For having those feelings of jealousy. I got through the shower by thinking of the little things, like the food & the games, instead of focusing on the fact that it was a BABY shower.

I am still hurting because in 5 years of marriage, using no protection at any time, my husband and I have still not conceived. He doesn't want to start any adoption proceedings until we are in our own house, which will be sometime next year.

So, it has been a hard year. But all of my family live hours away, and I was able to take comfort in not seeing or talking to them every day. Then, at the beginning of October my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant as well.

This was a major oops for her and her husband. They did not want to have a child for several years. They are not in good shape financially, nor do they have health insurance. So they are stressed about the baby coming.

Her pregnancy is what has me so upset. Because it was definitely not a "blessing" for them. Because I have to see her mother and father glowing with the joy of being grandparents soon. Because everyone is talking about how exciting it is going to be. Treating her like a queen. It's so hard to be around the family right now.

I talked to my mother-in-law about it and we cried together. I felt better afterward. Right now, I'm trying not to think about it too much. The next milestone will be when they find out the sex of the baby. My husband and I both really want a girl. And so far, that seems to be going around.

Why does someone else's good news have to hurt so much?

PCOS

Something I haven't mentioned on this blog yet is that I have PCOS. For those of you who aren't familiar with the disease, according to WebMd:

Polycystic ovary syndrome is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease. Polycystic ovary syndrome (or PCOS) is common, affecting as many as 1 in 15 women.

I was diagnosed while I was in high school. At that time, I went on birth control to help balance my hormones and regulate my period. I was on the pill through high school and into college. My periods were never heavy, generally only lasting a day or so. Then something happened and I stopped taking the birth control. It might have been that I lost health insurance when I turned 21. I really don't remember. I also moved and got married around that time, so all of those things might be contributing factors.

Since then, I have barely had any periods at all. Then last July, they started back up again all of a sudden. Still light, but very regular. Till January....when it lasted for a month. That was absolutely horrible. Then it skipped February. March came and came and came some more as well. Since then, nothing.

I'm typing this, not to gross any male readers out or for shock value. Mostly, to document the facts because, as shown above, I don't have a very good memory. I know I need to go to a doctor, but when you don't have health insurance, and all they want to do is run a bunch of tests on you, it's hardly affordable. I'm working towards fixing this insurance problem soon.

In the meantime, I want to do whatever I can at home to start helping myself control my PCOS. Are there any vitamins I can take? Any foods I should eat regularly? Surely there's something I can do to help myself besides just losing weight. Because we all know that's the biggie. And of course, that's even harder to do with PCOS .

So unfair.

Camping Difficulties

Being fat makes every day tasks difficult, especially everyday tasks while camping. Sometimes things were so hard that it left me feeling so frustrated I could cry.

For example, taking a shower was a dreaded task. The shower stalls at the campground were tiny and you aren't given much room to maneuver. Showering itself was okay, but having to get dressed in such a small space was difficult, to say the least. I don't know what most people do after a shower, but I hate putting clothes on right away. I like to stay wrapped in a towel or a bathrobe until I'm fully dry, then get dressed. That wasn't possible while camping.

The other major pain was getting in and out of the boat. For a fat girl like me, balance is an issue. You have to walk this narrow little board that is wobbling the whole time. It makes a little ramp that allows you to crawl up onto the boat. To get off the boat you have to maneuver the little ramp backwards. Fun times.

Probably the worst thing this week was trying to get onto the inter-tube. It is a heavy duty one that can be pulled by the speed boat, kinda like a water skier. You have to get on it from the boat beacause it's too big to get into from the water. That means launching yourself at it from the boat. Plopping yourself on it, as my father-in-law told me. The first time, my foot slipped off the boat and I fell into the water. Not too bad, just a little embarrassing. I'd get it the second time. I really threw myself at the tube, only to over-shoot it and crash into the water. It startled me and I swallowed a ton of water. That hurt my pride, but I convinced myself to try again. Thankfully, I made it the third time.

I forced myself to try the inter-tube because everyone else did and it looked like fun. And it was. But I had a heck of a time getting on because of my weight. It made it more difficult for me. Just like showering was more difficult and getting into and out of the boat.

A fat girl has it hard for sure.


-- Post From My iPhone

Vacation

At approximately 3:30 today, we'll be leaving for vacation. I'm still not feeling great, but we've been planning this trip since early this year and I don't want to miss it. It took me awhile, but I got my bags packed and I think we're about ready to hit the road.

We're going camping at a nearby lake. We'll be staying in the RV, riding around in the boat, swimming and cooking food on the grill. It's easy to overeat on vacation, especially camping. It seems like all you do is eat and then plan and prepare the next meal.

But I'm hoping to get a lot of exercise too. So if I'm careful, I won't have a gain to report next weekend. I'm taking my tennis shoes and my swimsuit, so exercise will be had. I don't want to be in a bathing suit in front of my family, but I'm not going to miss being in the water. That is, if the water isn't freezing!

I do have a post scheduled for Wednesday so be sure to check back!

Questions Asked

First, the good news. Let me just say how excited I was today to be mentioned on The Fat Girl's Guide to Living! Thank you Tee! I've been reading their blog for awhile now and I absolutely love it. If you haven't done so, you MUST check it out.

Now, the bad news. Dreadful is more like it. Saturday marked my 11th week recording my weight on this blog. When I started, I was at 311 pounds. I was at a high point in this struggle. My best friend and I had just have a long conversation and we vowed we would help each other get healthy. This would be marked by weekly weigh-ins and phone calls to report the news to each other.

*Side Note* She lives more than 6 hours away, in our home town. Phone calls are all the we have.

Her participation didn't last very long. I totally understand. She has 2 kids and a very busy schedule. But I don't have those excuses. I only work 35 hours a week. And I still wanted this to be my time to shine.

I had set a little goal in my head that ends this weekend. I am going home for a short visit over the Labor Day holiday. I am going to see my friend and I had hoped we would be celebrating our weight loss victories together. Instead, I am up 6.5 pounds.

I have to ask myself why. Why could I not lose 11 pounds in 11 weeks? Surely a pound a week isn't difficult to lose, not for someone my size. It seems like I do a better job at losing weight or at least maintaining my weight when I'm not focused on dieting or exercise.

But every time I try to restrict myself, even the slightest amount, I end up sabotaging my plans. Why am I not ready for this to happen? Why can't I get motivated to lose weight? Just how far down do I have to get before I reach the bottom? I thought I was ready to start picking myself up out of this fat hole of depression and get on with my life. Why am I doing this to myself?!?!

And more importantly, how do I stop?

Camera Shy

I saw a picture of myself today that just made me sick. It was a close up shot of my face that my husband took. We took pictures of each other taking pictures. Silly, yes, but still fun.

Till I saw the photo. Most of my face is covered up by the camera. But you get a really nice view of my double chin. It's HUGE. There's a reason why I don't like getting my pictures taken and this is it. They make me feel awful when looking at them.

My mother-in-law wants to get a family portrait done soon. But I *really* don't want to because I'm the fattest person in the family and I know it will turn out awful. I hate depriving her of something she really wants and something she has every right to have. There are no pictures of my husband and I on display at his parent's house.

His mother has a picture of her daughter and her husband on display in the family room for everyone to see. It's a huge photo and I absolutely hate it. It hurt my feelings that she would put it on display when she doesn't have one of us. But then I realized that it's my fault that there isn't one of my husband and I up there as well.

I'm visiting my family is less than two weeks. It's the first most of them have seen me since last Christmas. I'm dreading it because I'm the fattest in that family too. I hate this. I hate this life.

But one glance at the weigh-in page will show that in the past 2 months, I've done nothing to change it.

Lord, please give me the strength to change my life.