Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Holidays

The holidays were hard this year. I'm kinda glad that they are over. I am looking forward to the new year. A fresh start, a new beginning.

Of course, it was nice to spend time with family, giving thanks and celebrating Christ. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas had moments of joy, of happiness. But during both moments of celebration, I felt feelings of jealousy and resentment. Anger and pain.

For Thanksgiving, my husband and I did most of the cooking. He made two turkeys and I made mashed potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes (which were a HUGE hit!), green bean casserole, 2 pies of dessert.... and more. We spent all day cooking and we were glad to do it. Many of the family thanked us and acknowledged our hard work.

But the most important part of the day, the blessing right before the meal, my husband's father thought it was appropriate to thank my SIL's husband for making him a grandfather and allowed him to ask the blessing, instead of my husband. Asking the blessing is kind of a big deal in a room packed full of strong Christians. We all saw clearly where his priorities are.

Then at Christmas, there were actually presents under the tree for the unborn baby that my SIL and her husband were told to open by proxy. I actually had to step outside to stop myself from hyperventilating.

I guess this wouldn't be so hard, if it wasn't so clear that my SIL felt that this baby has ended her life. She doesn't talk about the baby at all. She only points out how her life plans have been grinded to a halt. The baby is never referred to affectionately. It's "the kid." I'm actually concerned she's a prime candidate for postpartum depression.

So yeah, all those family get-togethers were hard to get through. And we have one more. Friday, we are all (close to 30 ppl) having lunch to celebrate 2 birthdays and the New Year. Another test. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I say something I'll regret. I'm praying for strength and peace to wash over me, to heal these wounds.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Bra Shopping

I'm sitting in a parking lot waiting for my husband to come out of a Bass Pro Shop. I just spent the last hour trying on bras at Lane Bryant. It was a miserable experience.

Not once during my hour there did a sales woman speak to me. They weren't really all that busy, but the only time I was approached was to unlock a fitting room.

I tried on half a dozen bras, one of my least favorite things to shop for. But I have no idea what my true size is. I've never been measured because I've always been too embarassed about the whole ordeal.

The thing is...I'm busty, just like most of the women in my family. I would love to get a reduction at some point, but I need to lose weight first. Trying bras on is always such a miserable experience. In fact, bras in general are just plain awful.

The best part of my day is coming home and taking the bra off. I usually head straight for my bedroom when I walk in the front door. Slipping into comfy clothes makes the day's cares just melt away.

But when you have to have them, you have to have them. Oh the joys of being a woman.
-- Post From My iPhone

Thursday, December 03, 2009

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

I had a major meltdown this morning. And I have no one to talk to about it. That's part of the problem.

Last night, my husband and I went to my in-laws to announce some major news. Instead of having everyone's full attention though, the only person that even bothered to listen and talk to us was his mother. Instead, hubby's father and brother-in-law felt it was appropriate to begin discussing computer parts in the middle of our conversation.

It hurt me and my husband that they didn't even pretend to care. He was announcing that his MRI came back clean and he didn't have a tumor in his ear, as we previously believed. Major news, right? But instead, they all acted like we were discussing the weather.

It's one thing for me to feel like an outsider in his family. He shouldn't. But we constantly feel like we're in second place in a some race for his parent's affections. And with the birth announcement in October, we're way behind. I, of course, want to say something about it, but my husband is too level-headed for that. He doesn't want to cause any trouble in the family.

I have never felt like I fit in with his family. I'm practically estranged from my crazy family and I haven't made any friends since I've moved here. I'm friendly with people that my husband is friends with. But I haven't found a good, close girlfriend that I can talk to. I miss that so much.

I just feel so lonely.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Thanksgiving Results

I just updated my weekend weigh-ins. I missed the first two weekends in November. I actually did weigh in, but then I forgot to update the blog with the info. And now, I can't remember what it was. I keep fluctuating so much between 314 & 316 that I get confused.

I am happy to report that I was down to 310.5 the weekend before Thanksgiving! I was so thrilled when I hopped onto the scale. It doesn't look like I'll be under 300 by the end of the year, but I was still pleased. Then of course, Thanksgiving came and went. I didn't want to restrict myself too much because I knew it would cost me in the end. So I ate what I want, but just smaller portions.

I actually only had one plate of food on Thanksgiving day and I threw half of it away! I can't say the same thing about dessert, but I still did better this year than last. After the holiday I weighed in at 312. So that's a 1.5 gain after turkey day. I'm hoping that it will be gone again after this week.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I really do want to get my eating under control. I'm experiencing more and more symptoms from the diabetes and I really don't like it. I need to make more changes in my life. Posting here more often is one of the things I want to work on. It helps me to focus on the good things and see where I need to imporove. I look at those weigh-ins and think about how much time I've wasted. I don't want this cycle to continue.