Celebrating a 50 Pound Loss...or Not.

My husband has lost 50 pounds.

Of course, I'm thrilled for him. I know he's worked hard to lose those pounds. But at the same time, it's really hard for me to accept. I'm still at the 30 pound loss mark. And the scale is barely moving these days. (I guess it could be worse. It could be going up.)

One of the biggest challenges I have with his loss is that I've never weighed more than he does. In our entire relationship, we've both been overweight and he has weighed more than I have. Not anymore. And I don't want to be one of those couples where the women is so much heavier than the man. People look at those couples and wonder where's the attraction.

Also, because he's doing such a good job, I feel even more guilt when I eat something that I know I shouldn't. I don't even want to eat around him anymore. It makes me feel ashamed.

I should have started this post by making it clear that my husband is NOT making me feel these things. He's NOT doing anything to indicate he feels bothered by my lack of weight loss. He's very supportive, as he's always been. These emotions are all in my head.

The question is...how do I get rid of them?

Food Confessions

I can't figure out why exactly, but I've had a tough week. Every night when we've discussed dinner plans, I've wanted spaghetti. And I've been thinking about eating ice cream and breads too. Thankfully, we don't have anything in the house that would be that bad if I ate it. I could binge and eat a lot, but it would be on apples, sugar free jolly ranchers, beef jerky etc.

I went so far as to look in the cupboard to see if we had the ingredients for spaghetti. Thankfully, while we had a variety of noodles, we didn't have sauce. Then, when we were at the grocery yesterday, I actually went down the pasta aisle. But my husband pulled me away from the sauce before I could put it in the cart. He's been so great. 

I can't figure out why I'm sitting here wanting cereal this morning for breakfast. Why do I want to cheat? Sure, it's not always easy, but the rewards have been awesome. I can say that I've lost over 30 pounds. I've been able to go down a size in my jeans. Some of my old shirts that used to be too tight fit okay now.

It's not temptation, because there's nothing here to tempt me. I want things we don't have. But my mind keeps telling me these are the things I want, that I won't be happy until I get them.

I know that if I were to eat ice cream or spaghetti that it would be yummy. And five minutes after eating it, I would feel awful. Guilty. I'd be mad at myself, mad for eating it, mad for giving in, for being weak.

I know all these things and yet, I still want the stupid spaghetti. I feel gross even feeling like this. Admitting it makes me feel like a fool. I was hoping that by putting this out there, that it would make me feel better. That I might overcome whatever this is. Or maybe at least understand it a little better.

"There's no relief, I'm wide awake in my kitchen, It's black and I'm lonely, Oh, if I could only get some sleep..."

I need my sleep. If you know one thing about me, know that I can be very cranky if I don't get enough of it. I'm generally in bed by 10:30 at the latest during the week. My alarm is set for 7, but I'm typically awake before that.

I have an internal alarm so if I just tell myself when I need to be up, my brain wakes my body up just slightly before that time. Unless I'm medicated in some way, this has worked flawlessly for some time now.

On a typical night, I wake up one time, usually around 4am, for a bathroom run. I try to keep myself in a hazy state, not really awake, but not asleep, so that when I make it back to the bed, I have no problem returning to a dream state.

Not this week. For the past several nights, I've woken up sometime between 3:30 & 4:45 and have not been able to fall back asleep. So I've laid there for hours, trying desperately to clear my mind.

My husband is a big believer in meditation, so I've tried doing that occasionally. I've counted sheep and just about every other method I could think of to get back to sleep. Last night, I even took a unisom, but I still woke up at 3:30.

I know it's because I have too many thoughts running through my head. Things that need to be finished before the shower on Saturday, not too mention the depression this has brought on. Hopefully, after Saturday is over, things will return to normal. Only 2 more nights to go!

A Tiny Confession

Okay, I have a tiny confession to make.

I know I said I was going to wait one month before weighing in again. I just couldn't. I was trying so hard to be good. But I needed to know if the major changes I was making to my lifestyle were having any effect.

And guess what? They are!

After one week, I lost 7 pounds! Now, of course, I know that some of that was surely water weight and not really a loss. However, I weighed myself properly, on the same day of the week, around the same time, wearing the exact same thing. And the number came out the same 3 times in a row. So! I'm excited.

I've also noticed some other things changing with my body. For one thing, with the PCOS, I have never had a regular menstrual cycle. Doctors have told me that a cycle can be triggered by even the smallest weight loss. So guess what made an appearance last week as well?

Not to mention that I just feel better. I feel better about myself for eating healthy, for making changes in my life that will impact who I am for years to come.