Emotional Eating

It's been a rough couple of weeks, especially this last week. I've been on an emotional roller-coaster, and not the fun kind. I'm not ready to divulge details yet, but suffice it to say that I'm really struggling right now.

And of course, I'm finding myself drawn to food to comfort me. Really bad food. Chips and sweets mostly.

This week alone, I've eaten an entire tray of brownies by myself. And each time I ate one or two or three, I felt gross afterward. But I kept going back for more. Day after day. Thankfully, now they are gone. Because I ATE THEM ALL.

Until all this drama calms down, I don't know how to curb my emotional eating. I feel like everything is spinning out of control, out of MY control. And I don't know how to reign everything back in.

For now, since the drama is here to stay, I wish I could manifest my stress in ways other than eating junk food. I wish I was one of those people that cleaned their house from top to bottom, or threw out a bunch of stuff they don't need. Those are healthy ways of dealing with stress.

But me....I gotta eat.

Water Fun

I mentioned on my last post that I'll be going on vacation in August. We're heading to a resort that has tons of opportunities for water sports. My husband can't wait to try the jet skies. I love to swim. And we're planning on renting a boat one day as well.

But I'm so self-conscious that I don't always have much fun when it comes to summertime. I spend most of my time indoors instead of in the water where I'd rather be. I wish I felt differently. I wish I was as empowered as some of the women commenting on this post, which couldn't have come at a better time for me.

I just don't feel comfortable with my body. I'm embarrassed. And I feel like everyone stares at the fat girl. That's why I love The Fat Girl's Guide to Living blog. They've covered some topics that I've always wondered about. Like going to an amusement or water park, riding a horse or a bicycle. Can I do it? The resort we're staying at has a weight limit of 260 for the horseback riding, so in this case, the answer is no.

Even with their encouragement, I still can't get over my self-consciousness. It seems prideful really, to think that everyone is paying attention to me when they have better things to do, i.e. have fun! In the rational part of my brain, I know that everyone has their own worries about their bodies and they're not paying me any attention. The irrational part of my brain has control though.

Reading the posts on the FGG do make me feel better about myself, especially while reading them, but I still haven't figured out how to adapt their advice to the real world.

Summertime

This summer is not at all going according to plan. I'm so frustrated with myself these last 3 months. I've wasted precious time. Thankfully, I haven't gained much, only about 3 pounds and it's been fluctuating up and down. But I can't seem to get back on track.

I'm going on vacation in one month. There will be plenty of opportunities for swimming, boating, jet skies etc. And I have friends that I haven't seen in a year coming Labor Day weekend. I really wanted to have lost more weight by that time. But even if I start doing better today, there isn't enough time to lose as much as I could have in those 3 months.

I keep trying to remember how I finally got to the point where I curtailed my eating. But I can't seem to remember that mind set. I know exactly how I fell off the wagon. And I'm still dealing with some difficult emotions regarding the death of my goddaughter and my niece's birth, all in the same week.

My husband is still doing great. He hit his second goal and was able to go down a size, almost two, in his jeans.  Despite his good example, I'm still eating too much. It makes me feel gross when I see how much I'm eating compared to him. He doesn't do anything to make me feel that way, except sticking to his diet. I am still working out a couple times a week, so that helps. I've been lifting weights some too, trying to tone my arms. I'm just now starting to notice a difference, so that's good.

But I'm still angry with myself. Why do I treat myself this way? Why can't I eat less? Why do I let myself live this way? And how can I change it?

PS. I keep getting weird comments on my blogs, so unfortunately, I'm going to have to turn on comment moderation. I really don't want to do this, but after 10 or so comments on the last post, most of which I had to delete, I think it's time. Sorry about that!

April Recap

This is going to be short and sweet, but I didn't want to skip my monthly recap post. I'm still sorting through a lot of emotions right now. Honestly, I don't know how to make myself feel better. My husband says I have to force myself to focus on the good things. But that seems so false. I don't want to pretend I'm happy just for the sake of other people. But I don't want to keep being miserable either....

At my lowest point in April, I weighed 285.8. That was right after finishing the Jillian Michael's Jumpstart 14 Day Cleanse and Burn. Since then, I've put on a little bit of weight. That's no surprise. While I was at the hospital last week, I had McDonald's twice. It was either that or expensive hospital food that didn't taste good, or go hungry. Maybe I made the wrong choice, but it's done now. 

I also allowed myself one guilt-free crash meal. Saturday night, after spending all day at the hospital, we ate at O'Charley's. Talk about emotional eating. I had bread and pasta. My body was calling for it. And I caved.

"There's no relief, I'm wide awake in my kitchen, It's black and I'm lonely, Oh, if I could only get some sleep..."

I need my sleep. If you know one thing about me, know that I can be very cranky if I don't get enough of it. I'm generally in bed by 10:30 at the latest during the week. My alarm is set for 7, but I'm typically awake before that.

I have an internal alarm so if I just tell myself when I need to be up, my brain wakes my body up just slightly before that time. Unless I'm medicated in some way, this has worked flawlessly for some time now.

On a typical night, I wake up one time, usually around 4am, for a bathroom run. I try to keep myself in a hazy state, not really awake, but not asleep, so that when I make it back to the bed, I have no problem returning to a dream state.

Not this week. For the past several nights, I've woken up sometime between 3:30 & 4:45 and have not been able to fall back asleep. So I've laid there for hours, trying desperately to clear my mind.

My husband is a big believer in meditation, so I've tried doing that occasionally. I've counted sheep and just about every other method I could think of to get back to sleep. Last night, I even took a unisom, but I still woke up at 3:30.

I know it's because I have too many thoughts running through my head. Things that need to be finished before the shower on Saturday, not too mention the depression this has brought on. Hopefully, after Saturday is over, things will return to normal. Only 2 more nights to go!

The Week of the Shower

It's only Tuesday and this week has already been extremely hectic. My sister-in-law's baby shower is Saturday and guess who's hosting? There really wasn't anyone else to do it and it would have been wrong not to step up and take care of everything for her. But it's really leaving me in a bad place.

My sister-in-law actually just got out of the hospital with some minor pregnancy complications so everyone has been either at the hospital or helping her and her husband out with various things. Because of that, I've had to do practically everything for the shower myself. Plus, my MIL has to work the morning of the shower so I have to set everything up myself. She'll arrive just in time for the start of the shower. I don't mind doing all this. Actually, it keeps me busy and my mind occupied.

What I do mind is the constant reminder that no one will ever do this for me. I'll never get soft, cuddly security blankets for my child or adorable onesies that say things like "Daddy's Girl." One of the worst moments was when my MIL showed me the gift she got for her daughter's delivery day. My MIL wears 3 tiny baby rings on a chain around her neck every single day, one for each of her children. So she got her daughter one just like it for her new baby. I could have wept right there.

I've been having lots of those moments.

Most generally, my DH is great when I'm struggling with stuff that's upsetting. But when dealing with this particular subject, he's not been very helpful. He's not been mean, but he just doesn't understand why her having a baby affects me the way it does. *sigh* No one really understands....

I just need to get through this week. Things will be easier after the shower is over. I won't have to worry about family members asking me the dreaded question, "So when are you going to have kids?"

Coping Mechanism

I'm having a bad day today. No. It's not my diet. I'm feeling pretty depressed. I'm worried that this bad attitude will affect my diet though. I guess I've always used food as a coping mechanism for my depression. I don't want to do that anymore, so how do I make myself feel better?

I wish I could move past this feeling of worthlessness when it comes to infertility. I feel like shutting myself off from the rest of the world. The only person I want to spend time with is my husband. And even he doesn't really understand how I feel. He doesn't get why finding out his sister is having a baby girl hurts me.

And really, I don't understand it either. I never wanted kids growing up. I don't know if I really didn't or if I just made myself think that because I was told I wouldn't be able to. Even now, I don't know how to act around children. I feel completely baffled by them. What should I do and say? How should I act? Part of me truly believes that I wouldn't make a good mother. But I'll never know.

We've talked about adoption, but it keeps getting put off. Last year, it was "Let's wait until we're finished building our house." Now that we're getting close to finishing that huge project, there's something else standing in the way. There's always something else.

So maybe we're not meant to be parents. Why? What's wrong with me that I shouldn't raise a child? These thoughts run through my mind and I keep pushing them back because I don't want to deal with the pain they bring. But life is getting more and more difficult. Everywhere I turn, there are children now. Everyone important to me has children (or will soon) with the exception of my brother. His girlfriend, whom I think is "the one", also has PCOS, so I'm not sure how that will turn out.

I guess I'm just searching for happiness. And it keeps alluding me. So how do I deal with all these negative thoughts if I can't eat a slice of cake?

A Tough Week

Today is a great day. After having a pretty crappy week, it is exactly what I needed to keep me going.

It all started last Saturday. We went out to dinner, despite my argument that it would be hard to avoid eating something yummy bad for me. We had plans the next day to go bowling with friends and then to Pizza Hut afterward. Their choice, not mine. So I didn't want to be bad Saturday night, when I knew Sunday was unavoidable. But we went, and my DH promised we would skip out on the pizza.

Then comes Sunday. "Do we have to skip Pizza Hut? Everyone else is going!" *sigh* So we go. And I have to say, it was some of the best pizza I've had in awhile. But I was so mad at myself for being talked into eating out twice.

Tuesday night rolls around and we have to do some shopping. We normally don't do this during the week, but our contractor needed something for the house, so a trip to Home Depot was necessary. We had a disagreement about the house on the way there, putting us both in bad moods. It was late by the time we were finished and I was still irritated so a sit down restaurant was out of the question. Instead, we got Chinese on the way home.

It was so yummy. And I didn't do too bad. Egg drop soup is okay, without the noodles. And moo-shu chicken just has cabbage, eggs, onions and scallions, so overall, the meal wasn't horrible. Plus, I put more than half of it in the fridge, which my husband later ate. But that's on him.

The Holidays

The holidays were hard this year. I'm kinda glad that they are over. I am looking forward to the new year. A fresh start, a new beginning.

Of course, it was nice to spend time with family, giving thanks and celebrating Christ. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas had moments of joy, of happiness. But during both moments of celebration, I felt feelings of jealousy and resentment. Anger and pain.

For Thanksgiving, my husband and I did most of the cooking. He made two turkeys and I made mashed potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes (which were a HUGE hit!), green bean casserole, 2 pies of dessert.... and more. We spent all day cooking and we were glad to do it. Many of the family thanked us and acknowledged our hard work.

But the most important part of the day, the blessing right before the meal, my husband's father thought it was appropriate to thank my SIL's husband for making him a grandfather and allowed him to ask the blessing, instead of my husband. Asking the blessing is kind of a big deal in a room packed full of strong Christians. We all saw clearly where his priorities are.

Then at Christmas, there were actually presents under the tree for the unborn baby that my SIL and her husband were told to open by proxy. I actually had to step outside to stop myself from hyperventilating.

I guess this wouldn't be so hard, if it wasn't so clear that my SIL felt that this baby has ended her life. She doesn't talk about the baby at all. She only points out how her life plans have been grinded to a halt. The baby is never referred to affectionately. It's "the kid." I'm actually concerned she's a prime candidate for postpartum depression.

So yeah, all those family get-togethers were hard to get through. And we have one more. Friday, we are all (close to 30 ppl) having lunch to celebrate 2 birthdays and the New Year. Another test. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I say something I'll regret. I'm praying for strength and peace to wash over me, to heal these wounds.

Emotional Eating

During the first week after I found out about my sister-in-law's pregnancy, I was a wreck. Crying all the time. And of course eating all the time too. It was reflected in my weight. I jumped from 315 to 318, then 319. Finally, as I was starting to feel a little better last week, my weight dropped back down to 315.

I need to do better than this. I would love to be under 300 by the end of the year. I should be after 17 weeks, but I've done nothing but maintain. This cycle has got to end.

I'm worried about the holiday season. This is heaviest I've ever been in my life. I don't want to see the scale go over 320. I need to have more self-control.

I need to sit down and spend some time looking at the food I eat. Planning meals ahead of time would really help. Also outlining some exercise goals would be helpful.

I see a pattern in this post. I need. I need. I need. I need to stop thinking and start doing.

The Pain of Infertility

The last few weeks have been really tough on me. I've struggled with some severe bouts of depression. I've have a few crying fits that lasted long enough to give me a bad headache. I've been mad enough to scream. But let me tell it from the beginning.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now. We have a very good relationship and are happy. When we met, I told hubby that I was diagnosed with PCOS and that more than likely, I would have trouble conceiving a child. He was okay with this because he wasn't even sure at the time that he wanted kids and he was also very open to the idea of adoption.

As anyone does, I have friends that are also married. Two of these friends are my best friends. They have had 5 children between the two of them in the last 5 years. Both of these women got pregnant fairly early into their marriages. At the time, my husband and I weren't at the point where we were ready to discuss having a family. Still, when each pregnancy was announced, I couldn't help feeling fearsome that I would never know the joy they were experiencing.

Fast forward to earlier this year. My baby sister, who is not married, whom I've never been very close with, announced she was pregnant. I was devastated. She was so young (22) & she would be giving my mother her first grandchild. It wasn't fair. Then I felt ashamed. I should be happy for her. Why did it have to hurt so much?

Then this summer, my oldest cousin, my only cousin left that hadn't been pregnant, announced she was expecting a little one early next year. Both she and my sister are having little girls.

My sister lives in another state, so I didn't see her during the pregnancy. I did throw her a baby shower. I tried very hard to make it as nice as I could. I spent hundreds of dollars on the decorations & her gift. Guilt maybe? For having those feelings of jealousy. I got through the shower by thinking of the little things, like the food & the games, instead of focusing on the fact that it was a BABY shower.

I am still hurting because in 5 years of marriage, using no protection at any time, my husband and I have still not conceived. He doesn't want to start any adoption proceedings until we are in our own house, which will be sometime next year.

So, it has been a hard year. But all of my family live hours away, and I was able to take comfort in not seeing or talking to them every day. Then, at the beginning of October my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant as well.

This was a major oops for her and her husband. They did not want to have a child for several years. They are not in good shape financially, nor do they have health insurance. So they are stressed about the baby coming.

Her pregnancy is what has me so upset. Because it was definitely not a "blessing" for them. Because I have to see her mother and father glowing with the joy of being grandparents soon. Because everyone is talking about how exciting it is going to be. Treating her like a queen. It's so hard to be around the family right now.

I talked to my mother-in-law about it and we cried together. I felt better afterward. Right now, I'm trying not to think about it too much. The next milestone will be when they find out the sex of the baby. My husband and I both really want a girl. And so far, that seems to be going around.

Why does someone else's good news have to hurt so much?