Getting Back on Track

I have done really great over the past week and I'm so excited about it. I've lost 6 pounds! Here's what I've been up to.

• My husband and I are still exercising together. We went hiking last Saturday. It was HOT, 96 degrees. 
• We also walked at the high school track on Monday. The weather wasn't as bad; I did a mile that day, with a little bit of jogging thrown in there.

•  I've been getting serious about drinking water. I've been carrying a Smart Water bottle with me everywhere. Most of the time, it's filled with tap water though. =) 
• Using some beginner's videos on YouTube, I've tried Zumba. I think I like it, but I'm not ready to buy just yet. Has anyone had any experience with it? 
• I've really restricted my portion sizes this week. I think that has helped the most.

I'm pretty proud of myself for digging in and making some necessary changes. Now to keep it up!

Water Fun

I mentioned on my last post that I'll be going on vacation in August. We're heading to a resort that has tons of opportunities for water sports. My husband can't wait to try the jet skies. I love to swim. And we're planning on renting a boat one day as well.

But I'm so self-conscious that I don't always have much fun when it comes to summertime. I spend most of my time indoors instead of in the water where I'd rather be. I wish I felt differently. I wish I was as empowered as some of the women commenting on this post, which couldn't have come at a better time for me.

I just don't feel comfortable with my body. I'm embarrassed. And I feel like everyone stares at the fat girl. That's why I love The Fat Girl's Guide to Living blog. They've covered some topics that I've always wondered about. Like going to an amusement or water park, riding a horse or a bicycle. Can I do it? The resort we're staying at has a weight limit of 260 for the horseback riding, so in this case, the answer is no.

Even with their encouragement, I still can't get over my self-consciousness. It seems prideful really, to think that everyone is paying attention to me when they have better things to do, i.e. have fun! In the rational part of my brain, I know that everyone has their own worries about their bodies and they're not paying me any attention. The irrational part of my brain has control though.

Reading the posts on the FGG do make me feel better about myself, especially while reading them, but I still haven't figured out how to adapt their advice to the real world.

Summertime

This summer is not at all going according to plan. I'm so frustrated with myself these last 3 months. I've wasted precious time. Thankfully, I haven't gained much, only about 3 pounds and it's been fluctuating up and down. But I can't seem to get back on track.

I'm going on vacation in one month. There will be plenty of opportunities for swimming, boating, jet skies etc. And I have friends that I haven't seen in a year coming Labor Day weekend. I really wanted to have lost more weight by that time. But even if I start doing better today, there isn't enough time to lose as much as I could have in those 3 months.

I keep trying to remember how I finally got to the point where I curtailed my eating. But I can't seem to remember that mind set. I know exactly how I fell off the wagon. And I'm still dealing with some difficult emotions regarding the death of my goddaughter and my niece's birth, all in the same week.

My husband is still doing great. He hit his second goal and was able to go down a size, almost two, in his jeans.  Despite his good example, I'm still eating too much. It makes me feel gross when I see how much I'm eating compared to him. He doesn't do anything to make me feel that way, except sticking to his diet. I am still working out a couple times a week, so that helps. I've been lifting weights some too, trying to tone my arms. I'm just now starting to notice a difference, so that's good.

But I'm still angry with myself. Why do I treat myself this way? Why can't I eat less? Why do I let myself live this way? And how can I change it?

PS. I keep getting weird comments on my blogs, so unfortunately, I'm going to have to turn on comment moderation. I really don't want to do this, but after 10 or so comments on the last post, most of which I had to delete, I think it's time. Sorry about that!

June 2010 Weigh In

No weigh in this month. I haven't lost any weight. I am still where I was at the beginning of the month. June was a total waste of time. I'm so frustrated with myself; I don't even know what to say. I'm mad. Sometimes, I really just hate my life. I know that's horrible but sometimes, I just do. I wish things were different and I know it's up to me to change things, but I just don't know how.

Hiking

I've been meaning to write this post all week, but I kept getting distracted by other things. Mostly, I've been spending a lot of time on Tumblr. Here's the link to my tumblr if you're interested.

Over the weekend, my husband and I went hiking for the first time in a LONG time. He had been asking me to go and I kept putting it off. "It's too hot!" was my main reason. And it is hot. 90 degrees, even at 9pm! So we've been working out in the house, where's there's air conditioning.

But something inspired me Sunday morning so at 7am, I woke up and said, "Okay, let's go hiking right now!" So we did. We had to drive a little ways to get to the trail he wanted to hike. It's a 1.2 mile stretch and it took us about 40 minutes. Give or take a few minutes because we took pictures.

I know our time isn't great, but I have several excuses. =) First, we did take pictures, though our camera battery died about 1/3 of the way into the hike. Second, it was our first hike in a long time, so we went slower than we used to. Third, the place is called Hemlock Cliffs. It wasn't a flat trail by any means. For example, here's what part of the trail looks like.



I tried to get some pretty pictures, though I kept having to turn the camera off and on because of the battery. We only ended up with about 30 pictures, most of which I'd be happy to delete. But I got a few I like.





These steps were steeper than they look in the photo. This area was probably the hardest part of the trail. You really have to take your time or you could get hurt.




Plus, it had rained the previous day, so the rocks were slippery. But because the rain was so recent, there were waterfalls where there normally wouldn't be. It was so pretty!




We're planning on going back with a full camera battery so we can get more photos!

May 2010 Recap

As I stated in my last post, May did not go at all according to plan. I know that was mostly my fault and I accept the consequences of my actions. Sure, I feel bad about it and I'm kicking myself. I'm angry. But really, there's nothing I can do about the time that's past.

Instead, I'm focusing on the future. June will be better than May! I will it to be so. I've already started getting back to my good habits. I don't feel like I'm starting completely over, but almost.

May did teach me one lesson. I can maintain my current weight with little effort, which to me is excellent news. I didn't want to find out that I had gained those 30 pounds back. I was anxious about stepping on the scale after those first few bad weeks. But the numbers weren't as scary as I thought. And after a little work, I managed to end up just about where I started the month at. 

A Month of Maintaining

This month has not gone at all according to plan. I was hoping to kick it up a notch, start exercising more and drop more pounds by the family reunion in June. Unfortunately, that has not happened.

With all the emotional stuff happening at the beginning of the month, I got turned completely around. I started eating larger portions again. We ate out more this month than any of the last few months combined. And I've eaten more junk food than I should have.

But I did start exercising more. Maybe I knew I would need it to help even out the break in my diet. Whatever the reason, I have been able to maintain my weight. It's fluctuated a few pounds up and down. However, overall, I've been maintaining for the last month or so.

I'm ready for that to change. I'm ready to start losing weight again. I felt so proud of myself for losing those 30 pounds. I want to lose 30 more. And then maybe 30 more after that. I need to get back on track.

Having my husband do this with me has been a huge help. And a great hindrance. When one of us fail, the other starts slipping. But we also pull strength from each other. I think we're both ready to get back on track.

So, we've discussed it and while we still don't know for sure what we're doing, we are going to start trying harder. I don't want to get sucked back into the though pattern that losing weight is too hard. It is hard! But it's not impossible. And those 30 pounds gone proves that.