Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Coping Mechanism

I'm having a bad day today. No. It's not my diet. I'm feeling pretty depressed. I'm worried that this bad attitude will affect my diet though. I guess I've always used food as a coping mechanism for my depression. I don't want to do that anymore, so how do I make myself feel better?

I wish I could move past this feeling of worthlessness when it comes to infertility. I feel like shutting myself off from the rest of the world. The only person I want to spend time with is my husband. And even he doesn't really understand how I feel. He doesn't get why finding out his sister is having a baby girl hurts me.

And really, I don't understand it either. I never wanted kids growing up. I don't know if I really didn't or if I just made myself think that because I was told I wouldn't be able to. Even now, I don't know how to act around children. I feel completely baffled by them. What should I do and say? How should I act? Part of me truly believes that I wouldn't make a good mother. But I'll never know.

We've talked about adoption, but it keeps getting put off. Last year, it was "Let's wait until we're finished building our house." Now that we're getting close to finishing that huge project, there's something else standing in the way. There's always something else.

So maybe we're not meant to be parents. Why? What's wrong with me that I shouldn't raise a child? These thoughts run through my mind and I keep pushing them back because I don't want to deal with the pain they bring. But life is getting more and more difficult. Everywhere I turn, there are children now. Everyone important to me has children (or will soon) with the exception of my brother. His girlfriend, whom I think is "the one", also has PCOS, so I'm not sure how that will turn out.

I guess I'm just searching for happiness. And it keeps alluding me. So how do I deal with all these negative thoughts if I can't eat a slice of cake?


  1. I understand how you feel. I grew up wanting nothing more than to have kids and now that I'm married we are dealing with everyone we know popping up pregnant. And here I am simmering with jealousy. Yesterday my brother in-law came over for dinner and had a gift from my husbands mother...a baby monitor. All I could do was laugh.

  2. Wow, that's pretty blunt! My MIL never did anything like that but she would mention being a grandparent all the time. At one point, she and my FIL even told us they were thinking about adopting a child!

    That's all changed now that they have one on the way. It's all they talk about. My husband and I feel like second class citizens because we're not giving them what they wanted most.

    It's been really difficult for me to deal with.