Celebrating a 50 Pound Loss...or Not.

My husband has lost 50 pounds.

Of course, I'm thrilled for him. I know he's worked hard to lose those pounds. But at the same time, it's really hard for me to accept. I'm still at the 30 pound loss mark. And the scale is barely moving these days. (I guess it could be worse. It could be going up.)

One of the biggest challenges I have with his loss is that I've never weighed more than he does. In our entire relationship, we've both been overweight and he has weighed more than I have. Not anymore. And I don't want to be one of those couples where the women is so much heavier than the man. People look at those couples and wonder where's the attraction.

Also, because he's doing such a good job, I feel even more guilt when I eat something that I know I shouldn't. I don't even want to eat around him anymore. It makes me feel ashamed.

I should have started this post by making it clear that my husband is NOT making me feel these things. He's NOT doing anything to indicate he feels bothered by my lack of weight loss. He's very supportive, as he's always been. These emotions are all in my head.

The question is...how do I get rid of them?

Emotional Eating

It's been a rough couple of weeks, especially this last week. I've been on an emotional roller-coaster, and not the fun kind. I'm not ready to divulge details yet, but suffice it to say that I'm really struggling right now.

And of course, I'm finding myself drawn to food to comfort me. Really bad food. Chips and sweets mostly.

This week alone, I've eaten an entire tray of brownies by myself. And each time I ate one or two or three, I felt gross afterward. But I kept going back for more. Day after day. Thankfully, now they are gone. Because I ATE THEM ALL.

Until all this drama calms down, I don't know how to curb my emotional eating. I feel like everything is spinning out of control, out of MY control. And I don't know how to reign everything back in.

For now, since the drama is here to stay, I wish I could manifest my stress in ways other than eating junk food. I wish I was one of those people that cleaned their house from top to bottom, or threw out a bunch of stuff they don't need. Those are healthy ways of dealing with stress.

But me....I gotta eat.

Recapping August

I can't believe I didn't post at all in August. It was a busy month for us. Work was hectic. We went on vacation. Plus, we've got some other stuff going on that I'd rather not talk about at the moment.

To be honest, not much has changed with me. I'm still hovering around the same weight. I actually lost 4 pounds on vacation. Wow! Not sure how I did that with all the eating that was had. But we did do a LOT of walking. So, I guess that just off-set the yummy food I consumed.

I did buy a new swimsuit from Swimsuits Just for Us and I was very pleased with how it looked on me. It was a two piece shortini. The colors are a little off in the picture and I was thrilled with the difference. It has more turquoise in it, which I LOVED. I probably could have ordered the next size down because the top was a bit large. The straps are adjustable, but not enough. So I'm going to shorten them myself and then sew it back together. Shouldn't be too hard.

I went swimming twice and went in the lazy river. I didn't even feel that self-conscious about it. I was proud of myself. I looked around at all the people there and realized no one had a perfect body. And nobody was looking at me either. We were all too concerned with ourselves to worry about what anyone else was up to. That really allowed me to have more fun, which was nice.

I'd like to say I'll do better in September and I'm sure going to try. Truly I don't know what the future holds for me. But I'm doing my best to keep a positive attitude about it.

Getting Back on Track

I have done really great over the past week and I'm so excited about it. I've lost 6 pounds! Here's what I've been up to.

• My husband and I are still exercising together. We went hiking last Saturday. It was HOT, 96 degrees. 
• We also walked at the high school track on Monday. The weather wasn't as bad; I did a mile that day, with a little bit of jogging thrown in there.

•  I've been getting serious about drinking water. I've been carrying a Smart Water bottle with me everywhere. Most of the time, it's filled with tap water though. =) 
• Using some beginner's videos on YouTube, I've tried Zumba. I think I like it, but I'm not ready to buy just yet. Has anyone had any experience with it? 
• I've really restricted my portion sizes this week. I think that has helped the most.

I'm pretty proud of myself for digging in and making some necessary changes. Now to keep it up!

Water Fun

I mentioned on my last post that I'll be going on vacation in August. We're heading to a resort that has tons of opportunities for water sports. My husband can't wait to try the jet skies. I love to swim. And we're planning on renting a boat one day as well.

But I'm so self-conscious that I don't always have much fun when it comes to summertime. I spend most of my time indoors instead of in the water where I'd rather be. I wish I felt differently. I wish I was as empowered as some of the women commenting on this post, which couldn't have come at a better time for me.

I just don't feel comfortable with my body. I'm embarrassed. And I feel like everyone stares at the fat girl. That's why I love The Fat Girl's Guide to Living blog. They've covered some topics that I've always wondered about. Like going to an amusement or water park, riding a horse or a bicycle. Can I do it? The resort we're staying at has a weight limit of 260 for the horseback riding, so in this case, the answer is no.

Even with their encouragement, I still can't get over my self-consciousness. It seems prideful really, to think that everyone is paying attention to me when they have better things to do, i.e. have fun! In the rational part of my brain, I know that everyone has their own worries about their bodies and they're not paying me any attention. The irrational part of my brain has control though.

Reading the posts on the FGG do make me feel better about myself, especially while reading them, but I still haven't figured out how to adapt their advice to the real world.

Summertime

This summer is not at all going according to plan. I'm so frustrated with myself these last 3 months. I've wasted precious time. Thankfully, I haven't gained much, only about 3 pounds and it's been fluctuating up and down. But I can't seem to get back on track.

I'm going on vacation in one month. There will be plenty of opportunities for swimming, boating, jet skies etc. And I have friends that I haven't seen in a year coming Labor Day weekend. I really wanted to have lost more weight by that time. But even if I start doing better today, there isn't enough time to lose as much as I could have in those 3 months.

I keep trying to remember how I finally got to the point where I curtailed my eating. But I can't seem to remember that mind set. I know exactly how I fell off the wagon. And I'm still dealing with some difficult emotions regarding the death of my goddaughter and my niece's birth, all in the same week.

My husband is still doing great. He hit his second goal and was able to go down a size, almost two, in his jeans.  Despite his good example, I'm still eating too much. It makes me feel gross when I see how much I'm eating compared to him. He doesn't do anything to make me feel that way, except sticking to his diet. I am still working out a couple times a week, so that helps. I've been lifting weights some too, trying to tone my arms. I'm just now starting to notice a difference, so that's good.

But I'm still angry with myself. Why do I treat myself this way? Why can't I eat less? Why do I let myself live this way? And how can I change it?

PS. I keep getting weird comments on my blogs, so unfortunately, I'm going to have to turn on comment moderation. I really don't want to do this, but after 10 or so comments on the last post, most of which I had to delete, I think it's time. Sorry about that!

June 2010 Weigh In

No weigh in this month. I haven't lost any weight. I am still where I was at the beginning of the month. June was a total waste of time. I'm so frustrated with myself; I don't even know what to say. I'm mad. Sometimes, I really just hate my life. I know that's horrible but sometimes, I just do. I wish things were different and I know it's up to me to change things, but I just don't know how.