Camera Shy

I saw a picture of myself today that just made me sick. It was a close up shot of my face that my husband took. We took pictures of each other taking pictures. Silly, yes, but still fun.

Till I saw the photo. Most of my face is covered up by the camera. But you get a really nice view of my double chin. It's HUGE. There's a reason why I don't like getting my pictures taken and this is it. They make me feel awful when looking at them.

My mother-in-law wants to get a family portrait done soon. But I *really* don't want to because I'm the fattest person in the family and I know it will turn out awful. I hate depriving her of something she really wants and something she has every right to have. There are no pictures of my husband and I on display at his parent's house.

His mother has a picture of her daughter and her husband on display in the family room for everyone to see. It's a huge photo and I absolutely hate it. It hurt my feelings that she would put it on display when she doesn't have one of us. But then I realized that it's my fault that there isn't one of my husband and I up there as well.

I'm visiting my family is less than two weeks. It's the first most of them have seen me since last Christmas. I'm dreading it because I'm the fattest in that family too. I hate this. I hate this life.

But one glance at the weigh-in page will show that in the past 2 months, I've done nothing to change it.

Lord, please give me the strength to change my life.

A small step for me

I've started working out. I've actually gotten up off the couch, or out of the bed, and exercised.

Saturday, I went for a walk with my husband and his parents. We unfortunately interrupted a 5k so the walk only lasted 20 minutes, but it was still nice to get some fresh air. Plus, we were trying to book it back to the car to avoid any more run-ins (literally) with the runners that I worked up a little sweat despite the short length.

Yesterday, I was having such a bad day. Work sucked. I had a terrible headache. My left shoulder is killing me, and I have no idea why. All in all, I was feeling miserable. So I told myself, "Self - you can either sit here on the computer and continue to feel miserable, or you can go work out. At least then, there will be something to feel good about."

And so I did. I rode on the bike, while listening to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone on my iPod Touch. I only rode for 12 minutes though. Part of that was because I was getting tired. But I think I would have gotten to 15 if my husband hadn't come home just then.

The thing I'm most proud of is that I got up early this morning and worked out. I almost always wake up before my alarm goes off. Sometimes as much as an hour early. Generally, I lay in bed thinking, or try to fall back asleep. Today, I got out of bed and rode the bike again. And I made it to 15 minutes.

I'm hoping to go back after work and do another 15 minutes, for a total of 30 minutes for today. Not too shabby for a girl who has been too lazy to do much of anything most of her life.

A two pound loss......what?!?!

I don't deserve the two pound lost I reported for last week. I didn't exercise. I didn't eat right. I didn't do anything that was good for me.

I seriously don't know how I still managed a loss. Maybe I didn't do anything overly wrong that would create a gain.

Basically, I'm maintaining. I've been in this same weight range for a long time now. Over a year or more, I think.

But I don't want to maintain. I want to LOSE! I need to start exercising and stop eating junk food at work. These are my two biggest obstacles.

On another note, my friend and I are no longer calling each other every weekend. We never really got started. It only lasted like 2 weeks. So there goes that support system. But it's so hard when she's 6 hours away. We can't work out together like we used to anymore.

I'm all alone in this.

Weekend Weigh-In

I hate this fluctuation! Up and down, then repeat!

I know what I'm doing wrong. I just don't know why I can't force myself to change my ways. Something in my mind is not right. I know eating food from the snack bar at work is bad for me, yet every day, I do it anyway. I know getting seconds will make me feel awful later, but I do it anyway. I know playing on the computer instead of exercising is being lazy, but I do it anyway.

Is there a drug or vitamin or something out there that can change the way a person thinks? Something that can force me to take better care of myself? Because apparently, I can't do it of my own accord.

What's wrong with me?

Weigh - Ins

A new feature on the blog today is the reporting of my current weight. I felt that maybe putting it down where it stayed as a reminder would help me to keep focused.

As anyone can see, I gained 5 pounds after my first week of recording. That was awful! I knew it was coming though. Whenever I try to restrict myself, this happens. I sabotage myself.

Thankfully, I lost some of that weight the next week. So far this week, things haven't been going so great in the exercise department, but I'm still trying to watch what I eat. The biggest change I've made is the amount of water I'm drinking.

I've increased my water intake by 100%! I never drank it before, but now it's what I drink most of the time. And I've stopped drinking pop. That was hard at first; I have caffeine withdrawal headaches, but now I'm much better!

Here's to the little changes!

Giving GI a try

I've been doing some reading on the Glycemic Index. I think this is the type of diet that I need to be following. I still need to do more research to fully understand it.

The basic idea is that not all carbohydrates are created equally. Carbs can effect our insulin levels differently. There are "low GI carbs - medium GI carbs - and high GI carbs. It's important to eat the high GI carbs in moderation.

I'm going to try and make small changes so that I can begin a healthier lifestyle. I've already done more than I've ever done before, in starting this blog and joining a few websites to help track calories.

This is my turn.

Weekly Weigh Ins

Week 1
6/20 - 311
Week 2
6/27 - 316 (+5)
Week 3
7/4 - 313 (-3)
Week 4
7/11 - 316.5 (+3.5)
Week 5
7/18 - 315 (-1.5)
Week 6
7/25 - 313 (-2)
Week 7
8/1 - 315.5 (+2.5)
Week 8
8/8 - 314.5 (-1)
Week 9
8/15 - 316 (+2)
Week 10
8/22 - 315.5 (-.5)
Week 11
8/29 - 317.5 (+2)
Week 11
9/05 - 316.5 (-1)
Week 12
9/12 - 314 (-2.5)
Week 13
9/19 - 315 (+1)
Week 14
9/26 - 315 (0)
Week 15
10/3 - 318 (+3)
Week 16
10/10 - 319 (+1)
Week 17
10/3 - 315 (-4)
Week 18
10/10 - forgot to weigh in
Week 19
10/17 - 315 (no change from two weeks prior)
Week 20
10/24 - 315.5 (+.5)
Week 21
10/31 - 314.5 (-1)
Week 24
11/21 - 310.5 (-4)
Week 25
11/28 - 312 (+1.5