“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

I had a major meltdown this morning. And I have no one to talk to about it. That's part of the problem.

Last night, my husband and I went to my in-laws to announce some major news. Instead of having everyone's full attention though, the only person that even bothered to listen and talk to us was his mother. Instead, hubby's father and brother-in-law felt it was appropriate to begin discussing computer parts in the middle of our conversation.

It hurt me and my husband that they didn't even pretend to care. He was announcing that his MRI came back clean and he didn't have a tumor in his ear, as we previously believed. Major news, right? But instead, they all acted like we were discussing the weather.

It's one thing for me to feel like an outsider in his family. He shouldn't. But we constantly feel like we're in second place in a some race for his parent's affections. And with the birth announcement in October, we're way behind. I, of course, want to say something about it, but my husband is too level-headed for that. He doesn't want to cause any trouble in the family.

I have never felt like I fit in with his family. I'm practically estranged from my crazy family and I haven't made any friends since I've moved here. I'm friendly with people that my husband is friends with. But I haven't found a good, close girlfriend that I can talk to. I miss that so much.

I just feel so lonely.

Thanksgiving Results

I just updated my weekend weigh-ins. I missed the first two weekends in November. I actually did weigh in, but then I forgot to update the blog with the info. And now, I can't remember what it was. I keep fluctuating so much between 314 & 316 that I get confused.

I am happy to report that I was down to 310.5 the weekend before Thanksgiving! I was so thrilled when I hopped onto the scale. It doesn't look like I'll be under 300 by the end of the year, but I was still pleased. Then of course, Thanksgiving came and went. I didn't want to restrict myself too much because I knew it would cost me in the end. So I ate what I want, but just smaller portions.

I actually only had one plate of food on Thanksgiving day and I threw half of it away! I can't say the same thing about dessert, but I still did better this year than last. After the holiday I weighed in at 312. So that's a 1.5 gain after turkey day. I'm hoping that it will be gone again after this week.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I really do want to get my eating under control. I'm experiencing more and more symptoms from the diabetes and I really don't like it. I need to make more changes in my life. Posting here more often is one of the things I want to work on. It helps me to focus on the good things and see where I need to imporove. I look at those weigh-ins and think about how much time I've wasted. I don't want this cycle to continue.

Pleurisy

So I went to the doctors this week. I was too scared not to go. I rattled off all of my symptoms and they believe that I have pleurisy. So they gave me an anti-inflammatory medicine and said it should go away in 5-7 days.

I'm already starting to feel better. Mostly because they did an EKG and said my heart sounded fine. That was a big relief. The nurse practitioner also said that I have bursitis in my left shoulder.

I need to figure out what I can do to help both of these things, but I also don't want to google the conditions too much. I don't want to worry myself any more. It causes me too much stress! And nobody needs more stress.

Chest Pains

This past week I've been a nervous wreck. I didn't realize how scared I was until I finally talked to my husband just before falling asleep on Monday night.

I've been having chest pains. No, it's not heart burn. I have heart burn on occasion, after eating red sauces and I take a few tums and I feel almost instantly better. Go tums! But this is a different feeling. It's a dull ache deep inside my chest. And it's not going away.

I've read that women who have PCOS are more susceptible to heart disease. I haven't been taking good care of myself these last few years. And I haven't been to the doctor in ages.

I'm not sure if it's really all that bad, or if I'm just focusing on it more now because it's scaring me, so I'm noticing every little twinge & thump. But whatever the case, one good thing has come from all this. It's motivated me to get my butt in gear.

This week I've already racked up over 60 minutes on our exercise bike. And I've been trying to watch what I eat more closely. My weight has been down in the most recent weigh ins. Plus, I only had a few pieces of Halloween candy! I just hope that I can keep it up.

Now I'm off to do some research on heart-healthy foods.

Emotional Eating

During the first week after I found out about my sister-in-law's pregnancy, I was a wreck. Crying all the time. And of course eating all the time too. It was reflected in my weight. I jumped from 315 to 318, then 319. Finally, as I was starting to feel a little better last week, my weight dropped back down to 315.

I need to do better than this. I would love to be under 300 by the end of the year. I should be after 17 weeks, but I've done nothing but maintain. This cycle has got to end.

I'm worried about the holiday season. This is heaviest I've ever been in my life. I don't want to see the scale go over 320. I need to have more self-control.

I need to sit down and spend some time looking at the food I eat. Planning meals ahead of time would really help. Also outlining some exercise goals would be helpful.

I see a pattern in this post. I need. I need. I need. I need to stop thinking and start doing.

The Pain of Infertility

The last few weeks have been really tough on me. I've struggled with some severe bouts of depression. I've have a few crying fits that lasted long enough to give me a bad headache. I've been mad enough to scream. But let me tell it from the beginning.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now. We have a very good relationship and are happy. When we met, I told hubby that I was diagnosed with PCOS and that more than likely, I would have trouble conceiving a child. He was okay with this because he wasn't even sure at the time that he wanted kids and he was also very open to the idea of adoption.

As anyone does, I have friends that are also married. Two of these friends are my best friends. They have had 5 children between the two of them in the last 5 years. Both of these women got pregnant fairly early into their marriages. At the time, my husband and I weren't at the point where we were ready to discuss having a family. Still, when each pregnancy was announced, I couldn't help feeling fearsome that I would never know the joy they were experiencing.

Fast forward to earlier this year. My baby sister, who is not married, whom I've never been very close with, announced she was pregnant. I was devastated. She was so young (22) & she would be giving my mother her first grandchild. It wasn't fair. Then I felt ashamed. I should be happy for her. Why did it have to hurt so much?

Then this summer, my oldest cousin, my only cousin left that hadn't been pregnant, announced she was expecting a little one early next year. Both she and my sister are having little girls.

My sister lives in another state, so I didn't see her during the pregnancy. I did throw her a baby shower. I tried very hard to make it as nice as I could. I spent hundreds of dollars on the decorations & her gift. Guilt maybe? For having those feelings of jealousy. I got through the shower by thinking of the little things, like the food & the games, instead of focusing on the fact that it was a BABY shower.

I am still hurting because in 5 years of marriage, using no protection at any time, my husband and I have still not conceived. He doesn't want to start any adoption proceedings until we are in our own house, which will be sometime next year.

So, it has been a hard year. But all of my family live hours away, and I was able to take comfort in not seeing or talking to them every day. Then, at the beginning of October my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant as well.

This was a major oops for her and her husband. They did not want to have a child for several years. They are not in good shape financially, nor do they have health insurance. So they are stressed about the baby coming.

Her pregnancy is what has me so upset. Because it was definitely not a "blessing" for them. Because I have to see her mother and father glowing with the joy of being grandparents soon. Because everyone is talking about how exciting it is going to be. Treating her like a queen. It's so hard to be around the family right now.

I talked to my mother-in-law about it and we cried together. I felt better afterward. Right now, I'm trying not to think about it too much. The next milestone will be when they find out the sex of the baby. My husband and I both really want a girl. And so far, that seems to be going around.

Why does someone else's good news have to hurt so much?

PCOS

Something I haven't mentioned on this blog yet is that I have PCOS. For those of you who aren't familiar with the disease, according to WebMd:

Polycystic ovary syndrome is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease. Polycystic ovary syndrome (or PCOS) is common, affecting as many as 1 in 15 women.

I was diagnosed while I was in high school. At that time, I went on birth control to help balance my hormones and regulate my period. I was on the pill through high school and into college. My periods were never heavy, generally only lasting a day or so. Then something happened and I stopped taking the birth control. It might have been that I lost health insurance when I turned 21. I really don't remember. I also moved and got married around that time, so all of those things might be contributing factors.

Since then, I have barely had any periods at all. Then last July, they started back up again all of a sudden. Still light, but very regular. Till January....when it lasted for a month. That was absolutely horrible. Then it skipped February. March came and came and came some more as well. Since then, nothing.

I'm typing this, not to gross any male readers out or for shock value. Mostly, to document the facts because, as shown above, I don't have a very good memory. I know I need to go to a doctor, but when you don't have health insurance, and all they want to do is run a bunch of tests on you, it's hardly affordable. I'm working towards fixing this insurance problem soon.

In the meantime, I want to do whatever I can at home to start helping myself control my PCOS. Are there any vitamins I can take? Any foods I should eat regularly? Surely there's something I can do to help myself besides just losing weight. Because we all know that's the biggie. And of course, that's even harder to do with PCOS .

So unfair.